On a lighter mode

The Way To My Place

2011-07-21T07:42:00.003+01:00

Hi peeps. It's been more than a year since the last post. I must confess it's been a torrid hiatus. I'm glad to inform you that your friendly neighbourhood blogger is back for good. I want to run a series on what I go through trying to reach/leave home at any time. The intention is to raise enough attention and see maybe Commisioner for Works (Obafemi Hamzat) or that of Environment (Tunji Bello), Gov. Fashola, Uncle Jona or even Barack Obama will do something about it. Maybe I'll eventually be as lucky as Reuben Abati and get my share of the national cake.

So it's back to dusting the books and find out where the ink is. Let's see how things go.

Goodluck Nigeria

2010-05-28T18:13:00.004+01:00

Hilarious

MILITO – 30 GOALS	OBAFEMI MARTINS - 5 GOALS
MESSI – 47 GOALS	YAKUBU AIYEGBENI - 3 GOALS
TEVEZ – 29 GOALS	OBASI OGBUKE - 4 GOALS
HIGUAIN – 27 GOALS	IK UCHE - 0 GOALS
KUN AGUERO – 20 GOALS	KALU UCHE - 3 GOALS
ANGELO di MARIA- 18 GOALS	OBINNA NSOFOR - 1 GOAL
TOTAL = 171GOALS THIS SEASON ALONE	TOTAL = 16 GOALS THIS SEASON (SUPER EAGLES INDEED)

We have Yobo and Shittu in our central defence, Taye on the left, who go play right sef? We go take God block right.
Poor you 'Enyeama' on June 12 again!!!

Oh God we look onto thee for deliverance, for these our enemies are mightier than we are…

Twin brothers with different surnames - Only in Naija

2010-04-19T10:16:00.004+01:00

Have you ever heard of an instance when twin brothers bear different surnames?

It's only The Guardian in Nigeria you'll get that kind of exlclusive info.

Check out the names underlined in red.

Our God, our help in ages past

2009-12-30T07:51:00.005+01:00

I woke up this morning and this hymn pierced through my memory:

Our God, our help in ages past,

Our hope for years to come,

Our shelter from the stormy blast,

And our eternal home.

Under the shadow of Thy throne

Thy saints have dwelt secure;

Sufficient is Thine arm alone,

And our defense is sure.

Before the hills in order stood,

Or earth received her frame,

From everlasting Thou art God,

To endless years the same.

Thy Word commands our flesh to dust,

“Return, ye sons of men:”

All nations rose from earth at first,

And turn to earth again.

A thousand ages in Thy sight

Are like an evening gone;

Short as the watch that ends the night

Before the rising sun.

The busy tribes of flesh and blood,

With all their lives and cares,

Are carried downwards by the flood,

And lost in following years.

Time, like an ever rolling stream,

Bears all its sons away;

They fly, forgotten, as a dream

Dies at the opening day.

Like flowery fields the nations stand

Pleased with the morning light;

The flowers beneath the mower’s hand

Lie withering ere ‘tis night.

Our God, our help in ages past,

Our hope for years to come,

Be Thou our guard while troubles last,

And our eternal home.

By the way, it's my birthday.

Celebrate with me.

Encapsulated

2009-12-14T16:14:00.003+01:00

At times when I think of what my work does to me and my blog, it makes me feel like ........

FBI Recruitment

2009-04-20T13:43:00.000+01:00

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of The men to a large metal door and handed Him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could Never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man For this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was Quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't Have what it takes.
Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the Same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one After another.

They heard screaming, crashing, Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was Quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.
'I had to Beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.

Mumu Of The Highest Order

2009-03-08T12:44:00.004+01:00

Imagine a real, true-life mumu in jail?

Escapee caught creeping into jail

Jail guards in the US state of Georgia searching for an escaped inmate did not have to look very far - the fugitive was caught sneaking back into prison.

Guards spotted Harry Jackson, 25, trying to creep back in with 14 packs of cigarettes allegedly stolen from a nearby store.

The alarm had been raised earlier after a jail door was found unlocked.

He had opened a door to the exercise yard and climbed an outer fence to get away, Sheriff Tommy Gregory said.

Jackson now faces new charges of breaking out of prison and burglary, reported AP news agency.

He was in jail in Woodbine, Camden County, on charges including possession of a controlled substance and violating probation

Financial Meltdown In The Family

2009-02-25T13:13:00.001+01:00

FROM: FATHER
TO: ALL DEPENDANTS AND RELATIVES
SUBJECT: FINANCIAL MELTDOWN

Unavoidably, all domestic rules and regulations have been revised as below and, under no circumstance is any violation allowed.
1. The Kitchen and all pantries are declared Restricted Zones. Entry and/or passage shall require express permission from myself upon submission of written request.
2. Breakfast is banned. This matter is not for discussion.
3. Such food items as rice, chicken, butter, jam, eggs, bread and milk are Restricted. Anyone intending to eat any of such food, must write to Me in triplicate, with three days notice, giving convincing nutritional reasons backed by a qualified dietician.
4. Watering with hoses is banned. Further, only food-giving plants shall be watered. No lawns or flowers shall receive water. For internal decoration, only plastic and dry-flower arrangements shall be permitted.
5. Bathing in the morning is limited to 5 litres of water per day per person while bathing in the evening is banned unless there are medical reasons.
6. Security lights are being removed with immediate effect. All dependants shall abide by an all-night guard-duty roster I shall make available shortly.
7. No dependant shall entertain friends indoors, far less attempt to offer food, drinks or even music. Those who want their guests to listen to music shall sing for them.
8. No one is allowed to talk to officials from police, Council or Court Bailiffs; doing so shall carry an instantaneous penalty of ejection from The House.
9. Anybody who breaks a glass, furniture or any other property in The House, shall immediately have to seek temporary employment somewhere to earn money to replace such broken item(s).
10. All visitors intending to spend a night/week or more shall apply in triplicate and give two months notice, with an endorsement from their town Mayor, Village Headman or Church Priest, giving convincing reasons why they can't stay home. Failure to do this shall result in their being turned away upon arrival.

THESE RULES ARE BINDING AND NOT SUBJECT TO ANY DISCUSSION WHATSOEVER.

Political Phantasmagoria

2009-02-11T10:45:00.005+01:00

The recent news that the Nigerian President has announced pay cut for all politically-appointed office holders is highly commendable.
Now to face the facts, everyone in the nation (even little kids in creche) know that salaries to these people don't add up to 10% of their earnings/emoluments/egunjes/erans/greases. So who dey lie dash who?
Even with the pay cut, being a Minister in Nigeria automatically makes one an instant billionaire. The structure in place enables this at the expense of the nation and development of critical infrastructure. Except that is addressed, cutting pays will only amount to trying to catch up with Haile Gebrselassie while running on a threadmill.
The fig. below says it all.

An educative write-up on it can be found here.

FOOLS' PARADISE

2009-01-22T08:13:00.001+01:00

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY

In Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.

The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel
declaring, “Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant." The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!
This is too good not to forward.

It's My Birthday

2008-12-30T10:16:00.002+01:00

Yaaaaaaaay!!!!
I just got double for my trouble.
I guess it won't do any harm to put aside pertinent issues like Lassana Conte, Ribadu's removal and Uncle Bob De La Zim and celebrate.
I feel good!

Dora In The Hood

2008-12-18T09:23:00.003+01:00

Pro 4:18 But the path of the just is as the shining light, that shineth more and more unto the perfect day.

The recent appointment of Prof. Dora Nkem Akunyili as a minister has shown that a golden egg has no hiding place.
Her speech after the swearing-in pontificates her ability to perform. She was not just discouraged about the fact that she was assigned to Information and Communication. She made it clear that nothing can be done without God. She mentioned God five times in the speech.
It really doesn't matter where a performer is placed, they make the best out of all situation.

Now I know that Mr, Yardy's whereabouts won't be a problem anymore.

To Protect And To Serve

2008-12-12T14:58:00.002+01:00

In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in Nigeria, The president narrowed the field to three finalists: the SSS, the Army, and the Nigerian Police force. The three contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.

The SSS went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plants and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist.

The Army went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it.

The Nigerian police went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten hyena . The hyena was yelling, " Okay, Okay, I agree, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"

If America Was Nigeria

2008-11-14T08:22:00.001+01:00

If USA was Nigeria, the papers' Headlines after the election would read something's like:

Don't celebrate yet, McCain tells Obama (TELL magazine)
Concede defeat, Obama urges McCain (Punch Newspaper)
20 opposition cadres riot (The Sun Newspaper)
McCain Demands Vote Recount (Vanguard Newspaper)
Elections rigged - Palin (Guardian Newspaper)
No evidence of manipulation (NTA News)
The Church declares elections free and fair (News Line)
There will be violence if we lose; McCain declares (LTV 8 news)
Election results for Arizona,Florida,New York awaited (Channels News)
Trucks with suspected ballot papers crosses into USA from Mexico (Tribune Newspaper)
"McCain is an opportunist - Go back to your farm" says Biden(AIT News)
I will not accept results, McCain tells Obama (MITV News)
Democratic Party will rule the USA for the next 100 years - Clinton Declares (ThisDay Newspaper
Area Boys 20 killed, 30 injured at New Jersey Polling Booth )(Daily Mirror)
Obama: 'I will soon roll out timetable for Royal Blessings'(PM News)
Several Ballot Boxes Missing at Phoenix, handwork of 'Obama Boys' - Republican Party(Ogtv News)
Heavy Security at INEC H/quarter, Commissioners flee. (Newswatch Magazine)
$900million for Feeding and Wardrobe Allowances for Obama's Daughters Justified (Presidential Spokeperson)
IJA SESE BERE NI – McCAIN SO FUN OBAMA (ALAROYE MAGAZINE)
MIO NI GBA O!! - McCAIN (Akede Agbaye)

Scoundrels In Uniform

2008-11-11T08:08:00.002+01:00

It will be irresponsible to overlook a happening as the walloping of Miss Uzoma Okere by aides of Rear Admiral Harry Arogundade.
This brings to the fore the nature of military officers our great nation is producing. It is true that Nigeria has spent a long time under military rule, but isn't 9yrs long enough to decouple wanton disregard for the rights of the citizens they are meant to be protecting from the minds of our military men?
Is military insensitivity a function of greed and corruption that we all say is the major blood-sucking demon affecting our nation?
Is it that our military men have been shielded from the real world of democracy and rule of law in the past 9yrs of democracy? Do our military men vote at all? Do they have tax directly deducted from their incomes? Do they feel the pinch of underdevelopment and bad roads which lead to decaying traffic situation?
Of all the heat that has been generated by the instance, one thing that is pertinent to note is that there are different worlds lived Nigeria. The world that a military man lives in is totally different from that which a 'bloody civilian' lives. Though it is right to honour our military, I think the handshake has moved beyond the elbow. You need to see these people when they are driving on the road. They do not only beat up Danfo drivers (which I consider quite cool 'cos of the wiring of their brains), they mete out punishment on innocent citizens that cross their path or do not give them space. I witnessed one event that the staff bus driver of a company was dragged out, beaten and almost bundled into their car because he swerved from where he parked and ALMOST hit an uncoming military car. The old man couldn't have been less than 62 years.
In every developed country, the level is plain. They live in the same world. The affluent live in the same country as the middle class and the military. The citizens whose taxes are used to run the military are appreciated more because they all feel the pinch when there are issues.
I wish to reiterate that worlds exist in our great nation. These worlds are not only sound-proof, they are totally segregated and alienated.
Without these worlds being unified, those who do not feel any pinch would continue to rule other worlds with no iota of care & respect.

Kudos
A few people should be given kudos for pitching their tents at the right places without taking sides:
- Air Marshal Paul Dike for using his aide, Col. Chris Jemitola to arrange a beautifully written three-paragraph statement. The words in it are unarguably very hard for military men to compose. I wish to ask Air Mashal Dike to please encourage his people to be given the same training he had that brought about such insightful writing.
- Real Women Foundation & Mrs. Nike Adeyemi for standing in support and canvassing for justice for Uzoma.
- Uzoma (the victim) for not listening to her father and not letting the matter pass.
- President Yardy for saying something about it.

The President's Men

I've always said that you cannot give what you don't have. Remember Yardy & Channels? The oil that flows from Aaron's head flows to the beard and to other parts.
Like father like son o jare.

Defecating In A Holy Place

2008-11-07T10:25:00.004+01:00

Have you ever seen anyone fart from the mouth? Well guess what, someone just did. It's even baffling that a Professor of Pharmacognosy (study of medicines derived from natural sources) from nobody-knows-where achieved such a shitty feat.
How can you say that the US should come & learn how to conduct elections from Nigeria? I've always said it that he is an invalid for that job, especially for 2011.

For a man who once claimed that he had found cure for Ebola virus, nothing less can be expected.
Uncle Morris, you shit for church take bible clean yansh!

See here.

Dipped

2008-10-28T09:37:00.001+01:00

This is what happens when you dip your hands in shit. I pity the guy.

A passenger on a French train had to be rescued by firemen after having his arm sucked down the on-board toilet.

The 26-year-old victim was trapped when he tried to fish out his mobile phone, which had fallen into the toilet bowl, and fell foul of the suction system.

The high-speed TGV train had to stop for two hours while firemen cut through the train's pipework.

The man was carried away by emergency services, with the toilet still attached to his arm.

"He came out on a stretcher, with his hand still jammed in the toilet bowl, which they had to saw clean off," said Benoit Gigou, a witness to the man's plight.

The incident happened on Sunday evening, aboard a train travelling in western France between La Rochelle and Paris

Not In The Place I'm From - 9ja For Life

2008-10-22T10:54:00.005+01:00

Skimming through my RSS reader this morning (God bless Omea for me), I came across something that sounds rather strange.
A stockbroker in India's financial capital, Mumbai, killed himself after strangling his pregnant wife because of the economic slowdown, police say. [See here]
Not even Tsunami can cause Nigerians to die unwillingly. Nigerians never have the will to die. The Nigerian brand has a lot to do with resilience and perseverance.
We all know that if the highly respected Thabo Mbeki was a Nigerian, he wouldn't have given up power at all (cue from OBJ's first tenure). Have you ever imagined where he would be if Nelson Mandela is a Nigerian. Him go just kak for throne there.
There's a belief that Bob Mugabe's parents are from Warri. He's really showing the traits because 'Warri boy no dey carry last, lailai!!'.

I'm also 100% certain that the Chinese milk that was reported tainted, which killed babies and made 94,000 of them sick must have gotten into 9ja. But all 9ja children have been genetically doped with an immune DNA substance called ODIESHI-RIBONUCLEIC ACID (ONA). Abi did anyone hear any news that a Nigerian child was stooling as a result of the milk drank? See Fig below.

Respect to the Nigerian people. Stronger than diamond. Pako to the core. Even the ajebo Nigerian abroad is stronger than the ajepako of the west.

The Chef Who Had Ulcer

2008-10-14T07:13:00.005+01:00

"Bonny Island plant, the third world’s largest, supplies gas to mostly European customers including Gas Natural of Spain, BOTAS of Turkey, Gaz de France and TRANSGAS of Portugal, with the biggest being the Italian electric power giant ENEL, which agreed to buy 3.5 billion cubic metres (bcm) per year of LNG for over 22 years".......writes ThisDay newspaper.

All my life, I have never come across a thin chef. Oga Elias, while I was in Mayflower, had a belly bigger than that of a woman pregnant with triplets.

In a country that there is arguably no gas to power turbines to be used for power projects, it is really sad. How can a cattle herdsman after breeding from calf to cattle decide to sell all his animals while his family is hungry without meat to eat?
The summary of the story is that the Bonny Island project, that is supposed to provide gas, was designed and contracted to give ALL of its produce to gas companies in Europe for more than a decade while Nigeria languishes in darkness.
One of the issues to be raised here is that what were those who approved the project thinking? The project was conceived about 13 years ago, that should be around the time -Oh My God! - Abacha was there. Who was the minister for petroleum then? Inserts needed please.
Between then and the time OBJ was petroleum minister, some people stupidly gave out all our gas to European companies.
My question is not why people would do that, because it mos def was for kickbacks and Ghana-Must-Go (GMG). Since it is a constant (I can bet grandma's grave on it - bless her soul) that they would have gotten GMGs for the project, either giving the whole produce to the European companies or leaving some for Nigeria to use, why not choose the latter?
This really baffles and scares me because the act does not show only greed at work, there is a devilish characteristic displayed in the act. If you sell part you get GMG, if you sell all you get GMG. So why not sell part, get rich and let the nation move forward? Wouldn't that be a win-win scenario?
It is therefore evident that some people in this great nation of ours;
(1) Want to get rich by collecting GMGs
(2) Also want to make sure that Nigeria gets poorer as they do (1) above.

Such acts should be considered graver than the treason charges on Henry Okah. These are acts that should be taken with serious concern. Financial crime institutions should be biting at this with a great zeal. Some people don't just want to make their gains at the expense of Nigeria. The leeches wan't to suck the whole Nigerian blood with the aim of killing the unperturbed dog.
President Yardy correctly refused to grant approval for the production and shipment of Liquefied Natural Gas.

The true Patriot
Basil Omiyi, Shell's first Nigerian MD, was quoted "government should learn how to respect long term agreements, irrespective of the personality who signed them".
Reality check
Is Basil Efoise Omiyi a Nigerian? Yes.
Is He from Niger-Delta? Yes.
Does he live in Nigeria? Are his father, mother, children, brothers, sisters, cousins and friends Nigerians? Hell Yes!!

What his statement above means is that as the MD of SPDC he was aware of the project details and did not have any milk of Nigerian kindness flowing in him. He did not see anything wrong with the company he works for milking his nation dry as long as he earns his daily bread. Being a christian, his bible correctly has the book of Matthew in it, whose verse 11 of chapter 6 states that 'Give us this day our daily bread'. It is but strange, and should be concluded that verse 13 is missing from the chapter. What version of the bible does he read? King Shell Version (KSV)?
Na person papa be this ooo.

I want to believe that militants do not read papers. They do not have a direct understansing of who their enemies are. They are like the son who gave his mother poison to eat because he believes that she is the author of his bad luck.

The Baby And The Bathwater

2008-09-19T08:56:00.005+01:00

In President Yardy's 7-point agenda, there are conditions precedent to note and work upon in order to consider his agenda a success. One of them is;

The Issue of Law: “We need to become a nation that respects law, order, established regulations and procedure”.

Stating categorically, Mr. Yardy told the whole nation, hence the whole world, that his administration will not tolerate disrespect for the rule of law. It therefore baffles me that the seemingly gentle, God-fearing and educated elite felt the pinch so much that Channels TV was shutdown for airing incorrect news.

In the case of the woman who was charged for having a child out of wedlock, he was quoted while he was governor of Katsina State to have said he 'had decided not to intervene in the case, preferring to let the judiciary decide her fate'. Everyone hailed him then that he has (had?) an exemplary attribute of a good future leader.

So why the change of character? Why the change in manner of approach? What message does Mr Yardy have to put across to people other than the fact that when he feels hurt, he can ditch the rule of law and face it like a typical Nigerian leader?

If the President doesn't know, the bible attributes the abilities/style of operation of Elisha to the inheritance from his predecessor, Elijah.

It seems as if when power was transferred from Aremu of Otta, other unnerving attributes might have 'join body'. More like seeing Pedro Jose Donoso in Salvador Cerinza .

Take my hand Umoru, I will transfer my spirit into you

We won't be stunned when we start seeing Aremu-styled manner of approach to other issues in governance.

President Umoru, The words of a man are his bond. Respect the rule of law. If the President doesn't know that, who on the surface of the Nigerian earth should? The militants in Niger-Delta?

Isn't He Lovely?

2008-09-17T17:07:00.002+01:00

Since Roman Abramovich has decided to lose my fancy, isn't the new jacket on The Special One wonderful?

The Church On Feminism

2008-08-28T10:27:00.005+01:00

On sunday, we had a seminar in church on feminism. Seminars, unlike teachings and preachings avail people the opportunity to air their opinions & show what is inside them and what exactly it is that they believe. And sunday wasn't bad at all. There were women passionate about the idea of women standing up for their rights (their definition of feminism) and people of diverse views.
From the seminar, I could deduce that feminism and racism and any other form of polarism share common basis,background,tolerance, faults, conceptions and therefore misconceptions.
Encarta dictionary doesn't make the idea of feminism sound right at all - "belief in the need to secure rights and opportunities for women equal to those of men, or a commitment to securing these" .
The whole idea of securing rights makes it sound as if it was taken at first. Because some ancient African cultures don't encourage woman being given vocational and educational training doesn't mean their rights are being taken from them. I find it a similitude to the issue of children of a rich man who refused to train them, and they thereafter give it up to fate. If people think that rights are being given to people, then we all need to wake up and have a paradigm shift. Maybe some don't listen to Fela, but I find some sense in some of his songs. "Animal wan dash us human right....Abegi o make you hear me well well....human right na my property...so therefore..you can't dash me my property"
It means that in cultures where only the first child is given the largest share (if not all) of inheritance, they should be clamouring against first-bornism? People above 6ft in height should carry placards against Coffin-Makers for making 'inapproriate' coffin? Some of us with 'above average' foot size should stage a rally against shoe makers for having little percentage of above size-45 shoes produced compared to others? Short people should canvass that basketball should be scrapped, especially from the Olympics, since it favours tall people? Even Australians should complain to God-knows-who for having their island 'situated' so far away from the rest of the world?

Your right is your destiny. Opposition to fulfilling your destiny shouldn't be seen as feminist acts but stumbling blocks you need to manipulate to achieve the fulfilment of your destiny. People (especially women and those canvasing for feminism) need to first see women as humans before raising their points. A lady gave an example of an in stance that a lady got married to a stupid man. Although she didn't mean to insult the male folk, but she did a damn great job to show that women have imbued their subconscious to the erronous belief that the male clan is a super hero series. She made it sound as if men are infallible and it certainly showed that she had also been infected by the ideology of women being second fiddle or less than appropriate to men.
In my own opinion, it is the women that need to be liberated from the idea than the men. I tried to point out my opinion, but I'm not sure I am as explicit in oratory as I blog. Sang Bob Marley, "Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds".

Very soon, bald people will start forming ASSOCIATION OF APARI to fight oppression of people with full hair.
What's your take on this?

Strange Findings

2008-08-20T11:28:00.003+01:00

Ever heard of a 70 yr old man running 100 metres in less than 12 secs? Or a 60 yr ols lady running 8 Km everyday? 8-x
I came across this 3yrs ago, but I just couldn't get it off my mind.
The story of African Hebrews is both strange and wonderful in one mix.
That's a must-visit during vacation.

Issues

2008-08-14T12:15:00.005+01:00

I really don't have much to say about the Bakassi issue. I'll leave the investigation of how 1 Billion Naira will be spent on Bakassi L/G without being embezzled to investigative bloggers like Chxta, Imnakoya and Akin.

What I'm wondering is the name that the popular comedian, Okey Bakassi, will bear after Bakassi has been handed over to Cameroun. Okey Bonny abi Okey Ogoni?

Abi he will become a Camerounian after today? The guy kuku get body structure like them Patrick Mboma.
Though under construction, his website is cool. I haven't come across any other Nigerian comedian's website.

3rd Mainland Bridge Repair
I must confess that the repair on the bridge has brought bitter-sweet experiences. The bitter part happens in the morning.
The weird part is that the sweet part happens in the evening. Absolutely no traffic jam. Very strange 8-x.

What's worrying Wayne?

2008-08-05T17:08:00.003+01:00

Striker Wayne Rooney is set to miss the opening match of Manchester United's Premier League campaign on 17 August after picking up a virus.

The 22-year-old contracted the mystery virus on United's pre-season tour of Nigeria and has not trained since.

"I doubt Wayne will be fit for the start of the season," said United boss Sir Alex Ferguson.

"It's a virus he picked up in Nigeria and it's not a nice one. He's not been back in training yet."

Ferguson revealed Rooney's illness was diagnosed by the club's own laboratory.

He also added that the squad had only taken malaria tablets ahead of the trip to Africa.

Rooney's illness leaves Ferguson facing a selection dilemma ahead of the opening match of the season at home to Newcastle...................

...............Rooney's problems could also reignite Ferguson's interest in signing Tottenham forward Dimitar Berbatov.

As it stands, Ferguson has only Carlos Tevez, untested youngster Fraizer Campbell and Louis Saha to choose from up front.

"I don't know whether we will have a team ready," said Ferguson. "Nani is suspended, Anderson is in the Olympic Games.

"(Michael) Carrick's come in this morning and he may play a part of the game on Sunday."

Rooney had sat on the sidelines when Manchester United played FA Cup winners Portsmouth in a friendly in Abuja on 27 July.

He then missed his club's two subsequent pre-season fixtures against Espanyol and Peterborough.

The virus means he could also miss England's friendly against the Czech Republic at Wembley on 20 August.

Someone should tell me what is wrong with Wayne? Na only him come Naija? What is he suggesting? That there are strange viruses flying around in the Nigerian air?
Wayne Rooney had better tell us the truth. He fit don go carry Domitilla. He come dey tok strange sickness. Make dem send am back to Naija make him go see babalawo, dat one fit give am otumokpo wey go heal am.
Ministry of Internal Affairs should better handle this issue.
Rooney, talk truth!

Ah! Lehmann

2008-06-26T08:24:00.002+01:00

Haba Lehmann!!

Now I know why Arsenal did not renew your contract.

Even Laide will catch that ball!

Super June

2008-06-12T10:02:00.002+01:00

And so it's Super June again. A time when the Almighty God reminds earthlings, specifically Nigerians, that He's in charge and not the terrors that seem to be everywhere. Lamidi Adedibu has finally gone to meet Sanni Abacha wherever he is. Taking note of their characteristic brutal and thug-like approach to issues, they should fall into the same botanical classification. They should both be in the same group.
And what a group will that be in after-life?!! A group where you find 'superstars'. Gongo A So for that group o. That's why you have to give your life to Jesus, so you won't be ruled again by Abacha and the Amala Politician.

African Diet
I've always thought that African diet, especially that of Nigerians, contains substances of amnestic capabilities. There's just something in our diet that makes us forget the past so quickly and carelessly, just like the people of Israel, especially when it matters most.
That is why a few generals can come 10yrs after Sanni Abacha's death and say he did not loot. Well, I don't blame General Mohammed. He's been too frustrated trying to become the president in recent times to think straight. So his mental faculty is somewhat unsettled. As for the Sean Connery-like bearded one, Salam has sure been taking pills meant for the turkeys in his farm. I would rather not waste time ranting on Ibro Makanaky.
I don't expect colleagues of someone from a psyche-ward to see him differently, cos
to the screwed, all things are screwed. So for the remaining 139,999,997 Nigerians, please substitute "did not loot the treasury" with "carted away the treasury", cos that's what they meant to say, only that they all are from the same psyche-ward.
Infact, what did we even expect them to say about Sanni Abacha after 10yrs of his death? Remember, it's not good to speak ill of the dead.

Self-Reliance
Lamidi Adedibu will be sorely missed by people, especially those that became his die-hard loyalist because he gave food and money to them. And that is where Nigerians are having serious problems.
I remember Tai Solarin used to tell us then that we have to learn to be self-reliant and not dependent on others for livelihood. An instance where we put our lives into the hands of people and expect them to give us what we need is like that of Nigerians who sell their birthrights and will rather go to Adedibu's Molete residence to collect money and eat amala for their survival, and will in turn do anything that Adedibu asks of them.

So Papa God, this one's down. Who's next? The transfer window is narrowing. Only 18 days left in June.

Is it true that Alafin Molete Has Kaput?

2008-06-11T17:45:00.003+01:00

I suddenly received strength to blog when I heard a rumour that Adedibu, Alaafin of Molete, has kaput.
Don't say I told you oh.
I shall resume blogging full-time tomorrow.

Collage of Short Stories

2008-05-21T07:46:00.003+01:00

The Hungry Restauranteur
I made a very strange discovery on Thursday while I was on leave. Absence from work availed me the opportunity of roaming Lagos and enjoying the hustle, bustle and, in some parts calm scenery.
When I got to Alausa, close to the governor's office, I couldn't believe what I saw. People always can figure out the excuse of firemen when there's a fire disaster. They always complain that they don't have water. Situated side-by-side to each other, Lagos State Fire Service & Lagos State Water Corporation are seperated by a fence.
This really got me puzzled, 'cos I don't understand how a fire service can claim that it doesn't have water when its next-door neighbour is the water corporation. Abracadabra?

The Fish in care of the Cat
There's news that the Federal Government of Nigeria will employ brigands to look after oil investments in the Niger-Delta. Minister Yayale Ahmed must have a good reason to suggest this, or else they don't really know the implication of doing this. What if the money paid those "freedom fighters" isn't enough for them later on? Then they'll start kidnapping and blowing places up right?
Nowhere in the world have I ever seen the fish placed in care of the cat.

Ijegun blast
When I heard that a pipeline exploded, I thought people had vandalised pipelines yet again. It irked my spirit more to hear that innocent souls had died due to negligence and lack of record keeping on the part of the government and companies given contracts. How on earth can you construct a road right where petrol pipeline is? Is there no record anywhere that there is a pipeline around that place? What is Lagos State Ministry of Environment and Physical Planning doing?
Once again, more than 100 lives were lost due to some people's negligence and inefficiency. Don't people know that their actions/inactions sometimes can cost innocent people their lives.

The President's Daughter
I stumbled on her profile on Wiki. I was surprised to see that she specialized on Epidemiology at the Doctorate level. This got me thinking. But epidemiology is the scientific and medical study of the causes and transmission of disease within a population. Then why did she embezzle money meant to halt transmission of disease? Abi she studied epidemiology to know how to increase the spread of the disease? I hope she doesn't spread it in Maitama Police cell.

Tales by Firelight

2008-04-28T07:50:00.005+01:00

I've given a stern instruction that under no circumstance should anyone wake me while sleeping.
In fact, two of my friends came to fraternize with me yesterday evening. I pulled a bold face at my sister who came to wake me. Her reason for waking me ,"they wouldn't leave when told you were asleep".
I didn't need anyone to wake me when I drifted from sleep to consciousness to hear screaming sounds of people humming, as if round my bed. I had to rise when the noise was too much.
Time check - 1:00 AM. Going outside my house, I discovered that the noise was not from around my bedspace as I had earlier thought, but from the main road.
Still in the mode between drunken-like slumber and full-awakening, I was wondering why for Pete's sake people would be howling so much to disturb other people's sleep. Some neighbours can be loudly loquacious.

But as I gradually drifted into full consciousness, I noticed a bright light glowing. There and
then it occurred to me that it could be calamity that was making people howl and shout on the road at such an ungoldy hour. Everybody was staring at the bright light. I looked up and saw a great conflagration happily envelope a two-storey building four houses away.
Reality check - the house was one of the few houses in the vicinity that can be comfortably termed civilian barracks. The inhabitants of the house should be roughly about 75, not counting those who rented the 3 shops infront.

"Fire!! Fire!!! ", people were shouting. At least I had seen the cause of the noise. I then picked my phone to call the emergency service number Lagos State government provided. I fumbled with the phone and realised I cldn't just remember it. I knew it's a 3 digit number, but I cldn't figure out what it was. After asking a few ppl around who seemed to be too engrossed in scampering, howling about or watching the burning flame like an Indian movie.
I decided to call Glo customer Service.
The outcome was not palatable:
First I had to wait for over 10 mins before a customer care rep would attend to me. The pre-recorded voice kept reminding me that my call was important to them. Glo wished me Happy Easter 40 days after Easter had passed!!
Finally after 13 mins (which was enough to pull down the whole house), a male voice vibrated from the other side. I promptly told him my name and the area I was calling from. I asked for the emergency number for the fire service. He asked me to please hold.
After 2 mins, the voice came online and asked if I wanted the number for making free calls. I went ballistic. I wonder the kind of personnel these
telephone companies employ. I'm sure they are poorly trained if Glo even attempted to train them.
With a salary of over 200,000 a month, you are expected to buy yourself
a tested and working brain at Oyingbo market. Imagine people's labour and hard-work were going up in flames and this young voice had the effrontery to exhibit amnesia.
After some harsh words which I seldom issue, he asked that I please hold.
When I heard a voice, I was very glad it wasn't that of the guy suffering from amnesia. The lady
said they were trying to contact the fire service without any success. She said she would continue trying their number. I thanked her and was about to end the call when I realised that in all that ensued they had not asked about the address of the place burning.
"Oh, what is the address", said the irksome male voice again. I knew it was bad luck to have heard the guys voice again. I agreed with all their watery assurances in order to end the fruitless call and do something useful with the time.
It took the first firetruck 25 mins after I had woken up to arrive.The amount of water that came from the hose was not up to 25 litres. They said they didn't have enough water.

Another 2 firetrucks and water still didn't come out from any hose. It took 20 mins of senseless merry-go-round activities, water finally came out like a child's pee from the hose.
Anyway, the only thing the firemen could do was to prevent the fire which had already razed the 2-storey building and a carpentry shop (whose wood and sawn dust served as fuel) was to prevent it from spreading to other houses. The 2 buildings however were successfully engulfed.

Appreciation
I want to use this medium to thank the dumb customer-service guys at Glo and the waterless fire service for their efforts at ensuring a successful raze of people's fortunes and years of hard labour. May God reward you.
To the State Governor and the Federal Ministry in charge of Fire services, money spent on fire services don't amount to anything if houses get burnt without repression.
To those diverting funds meant for emergency services, get ready to spend those monies on emergencies in your household. May God reward you for the stolen funds abundantly. Eni bimo oran, oran la a ko o.
To those who fold their arms and see funds being misappropriated right under their noses, remember Prof. Adenike Grange. Oye to kan ara Iwo ni, o n bo wa kan ara Ede.

Land of beauty

2008-04-15T07:47:00.005+01:00

Land Allocation: Between entitlement and morality
Olugbenga Obasanjo, Oludayo Obasanjo, Iyabo Obasanjo, Oluwasegun Obasanjo, Obasanjo Farms Nigeria Limited, Adeboye Obasanjo, Olusegun Babatunde Obasanjo, Oluwafunke Obihele Obasanjo, Oludare Victor Obasanjo, Obasanjo Olufolake.................

............Ali Rufai, Asia Ahmad El-Rufai, Hadiza Isma El-Rufai, Bashir Ahmad El-Rufai, Ibrahim El-Rufai, Bashir El-Rufai, El-Rufai and Partners, Zainab Rufai, Hauwa Aliyu El-Rufai, Maryam Bashir El-Rufai.....
These names sound so familiar that I wonder why all these relatives cannot come under one umbrella and purchase one big hectare of land.

"Every Nigerian is entitled to a plot of land in Abuja in accordance with the Land Use Act. If you legally apply to AGIS for a plot of land, it is your right to be allocated one. Members of Obasanjo's family and those of El-Rufai's immediate and extended families are Nigerians", were the words of Chief of Staff to the former FCT Minister, Malam Balarabe Lawal. So everyone with the tag 'Obasanjo' at the end of their names have rights to the national cake of Abuja plots? What about the Chxtas and Omodudus, Imnakoya, Emmanuel Oluwatosin and those living in Tudun Wada, Potiskum, Aguleri and Ajegunle? Does it mean we all have rights to lands in Abuja? Will we be allowed to pay what we can afford? Or will we be fended off by exorbitant prices?

The revelations that emanated from the hearing of the Senate Committee on Allocation and Revocation of Plots of Land in Abuja were mouth-opening and jaw-sagging.
Accusations and counter-accusations, we shall see it from a better perspective when El-Rufai testifies at the hearing.

Land of Beauty
Have you been to Lagos recently? Have you toured the different parts of the wonderful city?
Forget what you've heard over the span of your life. What is gonna happen to Lagos over 3yrs will be beyond people's imagination. The beautification project is fast turning the state into a land to behold.
Oshodi, the name that reverberates in one's ears, is soon gonna be an interconnect/hub linking various parts of the state without hitches, traffic and area boys/street urchins.
The governor, Babatunde Raji Fashola, is really doing a great job. Unlike he predecessor who seems to be more of a socializer.
I'm even getting worried about the man oo. I saw him on TV recently and discovered that he has lost so much weight. I hope he's feeling fine o. Isn't this world a kind'a funny place? Those who never have good intentions get to power and increase in size. Only the visioneers lose weight.
Please say a short prayer for Raji.

It's in the blood

2008-03-26T07:29:00.004+01:00

I find no other perfect time to relinquish my position of siddon look (sit down and look) than now that I have been able to determine that greed is not a disease fabricated for\ susceptible to gender, literacy or ethnic nationality.
I shoot by starting with the news of the resignation of Prof. Adenike Grange, the health minister, and her subordinate over cases of money-sharing.
Grange: Nice name, nice profile, huge achievements (including thievery). Until her recent under-achievement, I used to view professors as a class of elites who should know better when it comes to looting treasuries, stealing/subverting/diverting public funds and non-implementation of policies that will better the lot of Nigeria. You mean with all the books these people have read, the insightful encounters they must have had in their journey into professorship and meetings with forward-thinking people and the best brains on the earth, professors too can be infected with the virus called greed and thievery?
When Prof. Fabian Osuji was caught, I thought it was just a case of one bad egg amongst many. Little did I know that that infectious disease has also eaten deep into the minds of our intellectuals.
And if our highly esteemed intellectuals and professors can also be thinking of doing away with public funds and sharing of funds allocated to their domots (domains), who will save the nation?
We were saying that it is politicans that are clogs in the wheels of our progress, and we assumed it's definitely because most of them are not well read and have short-cut, Toronto-like certificates. What say we about highly learned intellectuals?

Now I understand that thief na thief, it's not a matter of being male or a politician.
And na person mama be dat oooo.
It definitely runs in the blood.
God bless Nigeria.!!!

Changing times

2007-12-27T15:40:00.000+01:00

Haven't you ever wondered how things have changed so much?
Like the calmness and sense of belonging that has crept into people after Abacha was taken away.
Like how male jeans have become so increasingly expensive because ladies have culturally dumped skirts & wrappers.
Like having teenagers and even 10 year-olds infiltrating driveways with their father's cars and rented motorcycles.
Like having xmas and finding out that 85% of meals prepared in houses are rice (be it jollof, fried, etc........same ni).
Like having to see that everybody's aware of sex, even those in elementary school.

All those ones are small sef. I remember when I was growing up that ladies would cry their eyes out when they are getting married. They would weep so much that it's their mothers and fathers who would pacify them and remind them that it's a day of joy and not sorrows.
But nowadays things have changed. Have you seen ladies get married in recent times? They are always ecstatic, overjoyed, overwhelmed with triumph written all over them.
I keep wondering why things are so different nowadays. Some of my friends said that it's because all their strife and struggle will be obliterated because it's been cast upon he who will bear their troubles. That means no more trouble titi lai.
Talk about comprehensive insurance! :D.
Is that NICON or IGI abi na AIG?
What's your take on this?

You lied to me.

2007-12-10T07:56:00.000+01:00

It's gradually becoming a norm for those holding public offices to speak from one side of their mouths. I don't know if this is a criteria for a long-lasting reign in power or just some special forces that make you say those things you spoke the exact opposite of in times past.
Cnairman of INEC in Nigeria, Professor Maurice Mmaduakolam Iwu after agreeing that the election wasn't totally perfect and was marred with irregularities, turned 180 degrees around to say that the election he conducted was better than June 12 (considered the freest & fairest in Nigeria's history). Can you beat that? He who says he's cooking yam while the pot contains bricks. And na person papa be dis oo!
Dishonesty and double-face has become the order of the day in politics. I wonder what someone considered so much as an intellectual that he was tagged a Professor is doing in the middle of this huge putrifying carcass called politics.
I think he needs to go back to the University. Students need people to teach them. We don't need to learn from some people's show of double-mouthed abracadabra. Now you see it, now you don't.

VACANCY!

2007-10-22T17:43:00.000+01:00

A foremost Political Party in Nigeria, popularly referred to as “The Ruling Party”, requires for immediate appointment into the House of Representatives, a qualified Hooligan with the following professional qualifications:

· First degree in Boxing or Kick boxing.

· A Professional diploma in aggressive cover-up techniques.

· MUST be a duly certified LIAR with vast experience in corrupt practices.

· Must be ready to shun the voices of the People in allegiance to the Party’s wishes.

· Possession of a falsified educational degree will be an added advantage.

Duly qualified candidates should please forward their detailed CV’s to the Party Secretariat.

NB:

Please note that candidates with deadly upper-cuts will be given preference.

The selection process will definitely be biased and open to changes without notice, as this is part of the party policy.

Short listed athletes will be given a course in ‘Political Jargons’ to familiarize them with the language of the tournament.

Honourable combatants

2007-09-21T14:43:00.000+01:00

Utter nonsense!

Mourinho gone!!

2007-09-20T07:12:00.000+01:00

Isn't this the beginning of the end?
Mourinho gone!
This looks like the end of the world.
Oh Mourinho!
Oh Mourinho!!
Oh Mourinho!!!
Oh Mourinho!!!!
Oh Mourinho!!!!!
Oh Mourinho!!!!!!
Oh Mourinho!!!!!!!
Oh Mourinho!!!!!!!!
Oh Mourinho!!!!!!!!!
Oh Mourinho!!!!!!!!!!
Oh Mourinho!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh Mourinho!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh Mourinho!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh Mourinho!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh Mourinho!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh Mourinho!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh Mourinho!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh Mourinho!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh Mourinho!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh Mourinho!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh Mourinho!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Calling a truce?

2007-08-02T08:33:00.000+01:00

He's the National Chairman of the ruling party (PDP) in Nigeria. His controversy-magneting profile is higher than that of Marion Jones or Arthur Nzeribe. Now he says it, later he never even mentioned something close. The chameleon hardly changes colour as much as
Ahmadu Ali changes his stand on issues. Whatever he utters doesn't seem to last long before it becomes 'misquoted', 'misunderstood' or 'misinterpreted'.

Remember the Ali-must-go saga?
‘Ali-Must-Go’ was a cry by Nigerian university students in 1978 when the incumbent National Chairman of PDP was the federal commissioner for education. Ali had then endorsed the use of force by the police against university students protesting the increase of fees and other services on the campuses. Scores of students were killed in the process.

Round umpteen, fight!!
Chief Ahmadu is always at loggerheads with the press, 'cause he's never straight with his word. Even the crowned king of controversies, Frederick Arthur Nzeribe (Igwe Mperempe I), doesn't change his words and stand to tear people who quote him to pieces. He recently entered the usual tumble-and-dry with the press. On getting home, I think his wife(ves) and kids, especially the ones that read blogs and newspapers gave him enough for him to sleep with for a long time and the man gave himself a break. I say kudos to the kids (Barakat, Saminu, Silifatu and whatever their names are) for doing a great job. Like I would always say to people who do weird things, 'Na person papa be dis o' (That's someone's father o).
He therefore wants to call a truce with the press after a long drawn battle.
My question is should the press receive the embrace?
Even if they do, that man has forgotten that there are bloggers abi? He would need to organise a dinner with Nigerian bloggers too, or else his image hasn't left the mud just yet.
Chief Ali, better 'ru ebo alaroka'.

Udoji in Tokyo

2007-07-30T13:59:00.000+01:00

Just like many people have been praying for, the heaven's opened in Tokyo and what came down was nothing similar to liquid. For the first time in my life I wish I was Japanese.

Mystery money in Japan appears in mailboxes, falls from sky
TOKYO (AFP) - A mystery gripping Japan over anonymous cash gifts has taken a new twist. For those who want the next batch of giveaways, the place to look is in their mailboxes -- or even right at their feet.

Residents of a apartment building are baffled after a total of 1.81 million yen (15,210 dollars) was found in 18 mailboxes by Saturday, a police spokesman said.

"The money was in identical plain envelopes, which were unsealed and carried no names or messages," the spokesman told AFP.

But residents became "spooked" rather than pleased with the anonymous gifts -- and were too upright to pocket the money secretly.

"Some people initially suspected they were fake bills. When they realised the bills were real, they reported them to us," the spokesman said.

The predominantly middle-class apartment building in Tokyo is not alone. An envelope with one million yen was left in the mailbox of a 31-year-old woman in the western city of Kobe on Wednesday.

Police admit they have no idea who is leaving the cash -- whether a few people are behind the bizarre giveaways or if Japan is witnessing a craze of copycat benevolence.

Since June, dozens of city halls and other public buildings across the country have reported finding neatly packaged envelopes full of cash in men's restrooms.

The bathroom money has come with identical letters asking people to do good deeds -- leading to speculation that the benefactor may be a public servant trying to cheer up his profession or perhaps a member of a new-age religion.

Japanese cash dropoffs are not always so neat.

On Wednesday, bills worth 960,000 yen were inexplicably seen "falling" in front of a convenience store.

"We can just say the money came from the skies," a puzzled police official said. "There were other passers-by outside and customers in the store but the incident caused no confusion," he said.

"People thought it was too eerie to touch."

A man who contacted police saying his daughter had dropped the money had his claim rejected as groundless, the official said.

The largest single dropoff so far was in the ancient city of Kyoto on July 23, astonishing a 67-year-old woman who found an envelope containing 10 million yen of stacked bills in her mailbox.

But mystery money does not always reach police intact.

A woman walking on a bridge over Tokyo's Sumida River told officers that she saw bills falling at her feet from an elevated expressway above on July 6.

She believes 30 to 40 notes fell but police managed to collect only six notes worth 46,000 yen by the time they arrived.

"Some people were picking the money up on the bridge," the Tokyo Shimbun quoted the woman as saying.

No one can say if more people have collected money and not told police.

Media tallies suggest more than four million yen, including some found last year, has been found in the public restrooms.

Dutifully, police are holding most of the money in case the rightful owner eventually decides to reveal their identity.

To douse the tension

2007-07-30T09:11:00.000+01:00

Here's a dose to 'douse' the tension.

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on? the man responded "Militants have kidnapped, OBJ, IBB, Atiku, Buhari, Tony Anenih, Ahmadu Ali, Dariye, Nnamani, Odili, Ibrahim Mantu, Tinubu, Kalu, Ibori and Igbinedion. They're asking for a $500 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. So, we're going from car to car, taking up a collection." The driver asks, "How much is everyone contributing, on the average?" the man responded "About a litre of petrol and a few sticks of matches."

I rest my case

2007-07-27T08:25:00.000+01:00

Upon the receipt of the news that former governor of Bayelsa state in Nigeria, who was charged with corruption has been sentenced, I rest my case.
Though the sentence is viewed to be mild, half or full justice is justice. The name of the nation has been redeemed. This is a plus for us.
Can you see the public treasury in his cheeks?

My friend Udeme is a great man

2007-07-26T09:00:00.000+01:00

You would wonder what lack of standards and unwillingness to set the right precedence would do to African countries. It's up to African countries to wake up and set things straight. So does it mean what is dissed in the West would find its way to Africa to continue business? Anything goes?

Guinness firm 'eyes Africa sales'

The maker of Guinness is looking at expanding sales of the Irish stout to Africa to offset falling demand in European markets, a report says.

Diageo's chief executive told the Financial Times that sales outside of Ireland had been growing by about 5% and ruled out selling the brand.

Sales of Guinness fell 4% in Europe in the six months to December.

Changing behaviour in the UK - including people spending less time in pubs - was behind the fall in sales.

Guinness made up 13% of Diageo's total sales in 2006.

Growing the brand

The fall in demand in Europe had "nothing" to do with the way the brand was being marketed, chief executive Paul Walsh insisted.

"We have to continue to grow the brand outside its home market," he added.

He said that places like Africa offered good opportunities for growth.

Guinness is brewed in more than 20 countries throughout Africa and is exported to many others.

It is gaining popularity, with Nigeria being the third-largest Guinness market in the world.

The amount of Guinness consumed in Africa is three times more than the amount consumed in North America, Diageo says.

Police charge painting smoocher

2007-07-25T08:14:00.000+01:00

I read this & I laughed. Atimes there's need to exercise caution when expressing our emotions.

A woman who says she was so overcome with passion for a valuable painting on display in France, has been charged with criminal damage after kissing it.

The immaculate white canvas so attracted Sam Rindy she smudged it with her lipstick, saying later she had wanted to make it even more beautiful.

The 3x2m (9x6-foot) painting by US artist Cy Twombly is valued at more than $2m (£970,000).

Ms Rindy, herself an artist, is due to appear in court on 16 August.

Staff at the Collection Lambert museum in the southern French city of Avignon alerted police after the incident on Thursday afternoon and she was arrested as she was walking out.

"I left a kiss," she told La Provence newspaper on leaving the police station.

"A red stain remained on the canvas... This red stain is testimony to this moment, to the power of art."

Speaking to French news agency AFP, she said the artist had "left this white" for her.

The museum is hosting an exhibition of works by Twombly entitled Blooming.

The artist was born in Lexington, Virginia, in 1928 and has been living in Italy for nearly half a century.

He won the prestigious Golden Lion award at the 2001 Venice Biennale.

The hand that feeds the mouth

2007-07-13T07:29:00.000+01:00

Hiya!! Did you all hear that two Ex-Governors were arrested, especially the technology governor? Let's see what comes out of that. At least something is being done.

How often do you hear of or see the hand that feeds the mouth being bitten? Many people here are beginning to wonder if it's gonna happen. Remember what happened to Chris Ngige of Anambra State and his god-father?
It was with great wonderbility (as my friend would call it) and confusion that we received the news of Chief Ojo Maduekwe being simply asked to take a bow and leave during the ministerial screening. Chief Maduekwe has been in government since God-knows-when. He shares a similar political CV with Senator Jubril Aminu & Professor Jerry Gana in the length of time they've spent in the corridors of power. Before the screening, a large bunch of people (senators inclusive) petitioned the inclusion of Chief Ojo Maduekwe in the list. All man think say dem go comot am ni o. Only for him to come for screening and take a bow. Does the Senate mean that with that great number of years spend in government, there wouldn't be any actions taken/supported by him that they cannot inquire about?
We sure do smell a rat there. There must have been stern warnings to all PDP senators that they would be biting the hand that feeds their mouth if they do so. If you talk perenh, no ghana-must-go allowance for you. Wetin dem go do now? Man must wack! Whatever happened to that senator who refused to collect recharge cards given as bribes. Was he re-elected? I guess not.

Over to Olabode George. Does it mean that once you are an exco in the ruling party you have automatically become C-in-C or an authoritative body in the government of a country? The recent harrassment of the Lagos State Government brings me to my wit's end on who is ruling the country - sElected officers or PDP stalwarts? Fela already said if you have a friend fighting in the roforofo, better tell him to to stop fighting. I guess that's about how far you can go in discouraging him from fighting, except you wouldn't mind not being distinguishable from the ones fighting and the one separating them. And this man na person papa/uncle /husband oh. I urge all family & friends of Uncle Bode to call him to order.

Baba at the steering

2007-07-02T20:40:00.001+01:00

I resume with comments on good old Baba Iyabo who has refused to go back to school and continue his theology lectures, but busy wrestling for power about. We were almost fooled that he would retire to his chickens and pigs at Otta farm. How will he not get carry-over in his courses? Well, he would do what he did for the 49 poor lectures at Unilorin to them.

How are you all jare? I hope you are having a nice time? Please try indulge yourself o. Even the wicked people and the gluttons are trying to live an enjoyable life. So I don't see any reason why we all shouldn't enjoy ourselves. There'll be more time to chat, now I gotta run. C'ya.

Show me the money!!!

2007-05-29T19:49:00.000+01:00

Pheewew! It's been a very long stay-away that I will never forget. To those who have been waiting anxiously for my update, I apologise for disappointing you. Everyone who keeps coming to check wassup and finding nothing, I promise to make up for the times.
The times I spent away have been a refreshing and life-changing one. Small wonders how someone's life can change drastically. Mine has been an example unto many people and even myself. Can you believe that I was even overwhelmed with the changes that happened? Small time the year was so dry & I thought God had forgotten me or those winches in the village were hard at it, the next minute things begin happen sharp sharp.
Well you guys should remember the time I wanted to get myself a gun now, don't you? Those people really showed me that a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do when things don't fall into place. Instead of acquiring a nice lil gun to blow their heads off, the good Lord looked down on me with compassion and decided to gimme a better job. When I saw the pay-package, I almost went mad! The type of package that makes you sing "If I hammer, 1st thing na hummer. 1 million Dollars, elo lo ma je ti n ba se si Naira?". It simply makes u wanna go kolomental.
The people at my former workplace were feeling bad I was leaving. I responded by shouting to them like Cuba Goodings did in Jerry Maguire - SHOW ME THE MONEY!!
I resigned with immediate effect and automatic alacrity before my new employers changed their mind. My boss was still trying to prove hard, telling me to 'stop that nonsense'. Kiakia I called home to tell mumsy that she should begin fasting et prayer to bulldoze anyone who wants to tie me down.
I was thinking I had gotten to my bliss o, not until the first day at work when I got to know the work schedule. DAMN! Now I understand what 2face meant by 'you gotta work hard for the money.'
I don't even have enough time to blast INEC, OBJ, NEPA and all again o. Even on Democracy day I had to mellow in the office.
Omo wa ise o rise.

Please join me in celebrating & thanking God.

The more you look the less you see

2007-04-16T05:02:00.000+01:00

If anyone expects to spew anything about this past election, I'm happy to inform you that my mouth is sealed. There's virtually nothing to tell. Everything went well just at the President said. It was so free and fair that some candidates' names/pictures weren't put in ballot papers (figure that!).
That day looked like a typical day in the life of Jonas Savimbi. Fear caught me when I saw war-ready red-eyed soldiers that were deployed to man the streets. No hooligan could dare come out & start any form of display or else the life would just be wasted like a match-stick.
On a more serious note, there hasn't been a place where you can see magic/miracles live and for free without subscription than in my great country Nigeria. Though hysterical, this is where Houdini got a PhD in all his tricks from.

Why the short and ugly are married

2007-04-08T08:55:00.000+01:00

I cannot but share this pure truth with everybody. I totally agree with him. I wish our young damsels and Jaguar Nanas who have the whole world in their hands will take heed and make use of this wise advise.

Why the short and ugly are married
by Dele Oluwole

Culled from Nigeria Village Square

This may be thinking aloud, I can not stop trying to reason why the Nigerian ‘Bobo’ end up settling for a girl he ordinarily would not go near at his ‘hay’ days when he was a risk taker, but now want to spend the rest of his life with seeing he has now become a risk averter.

When I look around I see nothing but guys who have settled for girls that they have better looks than, especially my ‘loaded’ friends. Each time I was going to be introduced to my friends’ spouses for the first time I was expecting to meet women of sophistication, elegance, and beauty, but instead at the end of the day the best among them was just okay. Whereas, these are guys that when they were in their ‘hay’ days, what I would call their ‘Shongo ode’ I mean when they painted Akoka and Yabatech red will not even dare to talk to such girls.
The decision to choose a life partner is not for the public to debate on which is why I couldn’t summon courage to ask my friends …… ‘but Bros this is the worst of all the girls I have seen you with’. I remember an experience some seven years ago when some of my friends and I told one of us a Banker that his girl friend then who is now his wife was ugly. He didn’t flair up at us because we were very good friends that can say anything to one another, but calmly he said ‘Dele she’s my choice’, the countenance on his face was that of please stop right there and don’t take this any further. Trust me, I persisted and he simply told me and boasting that in ten years time we should come back to re-evaluate our careers, marriage, and life in general to know who is happiest amongst us all, he further said ‘look I am marrying her for her inner beauty, the happiness and joy she will bring to my life will reflect in my career ……. You wait and see’.
My friend today is not just happily married with two sons but doling well in his career as he is presently a Branch manager of one of the top Banks in Nigeria. His wife has a farm that is doing well too.
Most Nigerian young men are looking beyond the ordinary; they grow to mature with time, to know that not all that glitter is gold. Between the ages of 20 and 28 they are risk takers that will go after the Ginevieves, Daregos, Omotolas, Tokunbos and Biancas. The risk taking is worth it after all as the tall and beautiful girls put them through experiences that become invaluable to them later in life.
I have a six footer friend; we went through the NYSC together somewhere in Northern Nigeria. He did not just paint the ‘Sharia’ city red but was going out with the most beautiful Fulani girl in the petroleum Depot where we served. Every skirt chaser in the depot had his eyes on her; even the depot chief made advances through unsolicited petrol drums and cash yet the girl wanted the young, penniless, and hungry Coper. I remember an instance where one of the lady’s numerous admirers or chasers offered to give her a lift to work, the lady did not just accept the lift but requested that her Coper boy friend come on board. Guess what? They both sat at the back while they were chauffeur driven by the ‘toaster’.
The interesting part of this story is that my then Coper friend despite working in an oil company with plenty ‘ego’ eventually got married to a girl the entire family denounced because of her looks but they are happily married with a kid anyway .

These tall and beautiful girls can not cook because they spent more time before their mirrors than in their mother’s kitchen. Don’t joke with Nigerian man and food. They can not stand hard times because they never had such experience. How can they stand hard times when they are chauffeur driven to school in their fathers’ car, when paid washmen and cooks are at their beck and call?
The Nigerian man aside listening to his Mother’s golden advice when its time to choose a life partner wants a happy home, wants to be in control, wants to be respected, and wants a woman that the entire members of the extended family can relate with. He doesn’t want the woman that will use his monthly package to shop for the likes of lipsticks, G strings, and high heel shoes. He of course doesn’t want to come back home to prepare his own supper. He wants a woman that will instil some level of moral values in his children, how can a woman who has never ironed her father’s shirt or help her Mum in the kitchen instil moral values or bring up her children properly or even iron her husband shirt?
If you meet a depressed man find out if he’s happily married, a depressed man’s productivity at work will be so low that it may reduce the company’s turnover and eventually affect the country’s GDP.
The short and ugly is never a risk taker, she will never gamble with her chances of getting hooked to Mr right as she does not get carried away with the euphoria of beauty like her tall counterpart ‘dongo si lewo or Omo ga’. Any attempt to carry herself unnecessarily too high means she is in her own world. As a teenager she already had her cross staring her in the eyes and carried it with all pleasure. She works hard to become an achiever, little wonder she passes the O’ level and JAMB at a sitting as those dangerous boys neither distract nor have interest in her. She will do well in the University and come out with first class or 2:1 because the campus landlords i.e. the cultists don’t take her precious studying time as they will not want to be associated with her type anyway. She will get the best of jobs because she worked hard to earn her degree grade as she neither bribed her way through nor offered herself on ‘a platter of gold’ to the hyena lecturers. The society sees her as being responsible because she doesn’t wear the offensive tops, the nuclear mini skirts or the ‘help me remove’ tights that I call big baby ‘pampas’.
Finally, she will be attracted to the Nigerian man who has sampled an entire city of tall and beautiful girls because of her high moral values, sensibility, and intelligence. She will be happily married and raise God fearing children ….. and who knows if her husband’s gene is very strong she may end up having kids that will grow up to become tall and beautiful.
At the end of the day who looses? The tall and beautiful who may only get married at 37 or as second wife to the pot-belly Alhaji who junkets around the whole world leaving her at the mercy of her driver or Tailor (‘Obioma’) next door. She can only get married to the man of her dream if only she doesn’t allow her God given beauty to take greater part of her, but will she? As everyone tells her that she is the most beautiful girl in the world, and that she has the nicest legs, dreamy eyes and alabaster skin.
You can not eat your cake and have it. It is either you scarify beauty for good manners or level headedness for an Ahlaji. The choice is yours, but I am lucky to have beauty, level headedness, and brain in my wife.

Photo speak

2007-04-08T07:24:00.000+01:00

The photo speaks for itself.
There is a saying that goes thus - If you want to eat with the devil, your spoon must be long.
Atiku needed a longer spoon.

Only heaven knows who's coming

2007-04-02T17:11:00.000+01:00

I've been into many things in recent times. Atimes it's as jammed as not being able to get a horse across the road in Lagos. I can't even say what exactly I have been doing :D. But I've found my edge back after many weeks of a seemingly oblivious state. And I'm eternally grateful to God for that. This kind'a thing happens when you lean so much on a human being.

I've been looking for a way of jump-starting sales of messages preached in church which has been on the downward slope for some time. So I came across this Ipod-like MP4/MP3 player. It didn't take me too long to think of selling players to members and having to transfer messages to their gadgets for a fee comfortably lower than that of a CD. Considering the fact that there's hardly electricity, it's a huge challenge selling anything that has to do with connecting to NEPA. Only a few minutes of charging will do for an MP3 player and you'll be ready to go. I tried downloading podcasts from news sites, thinking if summary of the past week's news is added to church messages members would buy. We might end up adding Desperate housewives and latest MTV hits to boost sales of Pastor's messages.
It's a sure sign that this world is coming to an end, 'cos you have to practically mesmerize church-goers to listen to messages, whereas they don't feel a pinch buying Aki & Pawpaw/Baba Suwe/Night of a thousand laughs (comedians) CDs. Their CD collections are extensive. Ask them for xtian stuffs they have and you can't count up to ten. And these people can dance in church!! You would think some ladies are doing dancing competition for the king to select them.

It's these same holy sisters who give the best heads you can get in town. They can fix a guy up for real and they couple it with being the holiest people in church. I went to church last week after weeks of absence due to tight work schedule and it was like a Martin Scorsese video scene that evening. The ladies in front of me were dancing like their breaths the next hour depended on it. Wriggling their waists and twisting and turning, they would occassionally look at each other in the eye and laugh. Everybody was digging it in the name of the Lord. And then the thought crossed my mind & it felt heavy moving my body. Like a slow motion, I looked round the building. Everybody was busy dancing. Youths took a greater part of the congregation. Ladies spread around pretty well. These same people dancing would bang you wella as long as you aren't a member of their church (at least to conceal their misdeeds) . I just felt cold at that instance. People can be so diabolic! They will be the first to lift up 'holy hands' in church. I just couldn't help but feel like a stranger in the midst of everyone dancing. Only heaven knows who's coming.
It seems to me that we are not any better than our politicians 'cos people possess that damn character that they do; they talk one thing and they do the opposite.

E be like say.....

2007-03-24T05:43:00.000+01:00

Though some politicians carry brooms about, promising to sweep corrupt officials away from office come May and constant electricity supply seems to be an uphill task, things have literally remained the same (except for the heat of course).
Now I can confirm that there's global warming. There's a total absence of ozone layer in Nigeria. It felt like 50 degrees centigrade yesterday. I was batting my eyelids a dozen times a minute and looking like an albino. I thought God had sent the sun to deal with people before Jesus finally arrives.
Despite this abundance, there seems to be no technological advancement in conversion of energy from the sun to something useful. We've got a long way to go.

Well there's a blogchic I have been eyeing for some time now. Was planning to drive by & say hi at a later time. I just couldn't help spilling the beans at a point. I wonder if it's this hard to get fine girl for Naija o. And the understanding I have is that good things don't require you to break your neck before acquiring them. So make una please helep me beg this chicala o (she reads this blog, so drop a comment she go see am). Who would tell her that 'I too tap, won n ko mi je rush rush & I no go ever rap like mumu'? E ba mi so fun baby yen ko ma i lo o. This one na real life bachelorette o, no be virtual hookup. Please tell her I will build a house for her in Lekki, Ajah & Asokoro. She would have dual citizenship in Naija & Dubai, so she can be going and coming as she likes buying bags/shoes/clothes and other stuffs. Infact, she fit dey live dia sef.

And drama has been officially declared in Naija o. Venue is every seat of power you can think of, however little. The national assembly has decided to sit on a cracked fence in the fight between the President & his Vice. INEC has started shitting all over the place like a baby without diapers. Issues that should have been well sorted out and given time so the elections can take place have been ignorantly postponed. They have decided not to think of the aftermath of their actions. It's like having to drop the thought of how the next morning will be and you listen to your weak body by sleeping off when you have an interview in the morning and none of your clothes is laundered for use.
And these people are fathers/mothers/uncles/guardians to some people. They would want to beat their chests and they they are good parents. Imagine INEC chairman, Maurice Iwu saying that no court of law in the land can stop whatever decision he must have taken? That anyone who has issues can bring it up after elections!! Beating a dead horse? In a land that has kings and chiefs?! If not for oyinbo o, these people no send the judiciary at all. In fact, if Ferdinand Magellan abi Mungo Park abi Isaac Newton (abi who be the person who bring the idea of judiciary into governance) were a Nigerian, he wouldn't have let the judicial idea be implemented for a day. The violence, though mild, is not much compared to the past. I've heard musicians singing praise-songs for aspirants, but me I never see moneybags flowing like in the past o.
Where the money at make we share am.

It's in the blood

2007-03-09T01:09:00.000+01:00

So I was trying to add more colour to my life by changing many things. For starters, I was frantically looking for an RSS aggregator that's sleek and looks cool but I haven't found any o. I've grown tired of Jetbrains. It's layout seems to be uninteresting. Doesn't even inspire me to use it at all.
If anyone knows a cool RSS reader that's nice, please holla at me.
I've been wondering why people still get entangled in that trap called rumour. It's a thing that has it's place amonst people tp say what they didn't see. So I still am baffled how people will even bother to listen to rumours that Semi-President Yar'Adua has died. E don tey wey dem don dey tok different things. Sebi there was one time that they said Mariam Babangida gave birth to a baby-ape? Where the pikin now? One time they said Shagari had gone blind? I didn't even do as if I heard anything when they were peddling the rumour of Yar'Adua.

Guys Nigeria is no different from the West or Europe anymore o (except for the lack of electricity and 40 degrees heat and other things sha). If you see the new notes we are using now? I bet NO country in this world has that kinda sleek design. Wicked! I could trade the N20 even for 500 Euros.
The Central Bank Governor should be honoured for this feat. At least we can see dividends of democracy. The only problem now is that some market-women are still packing even the crisp, neat and good-looking notes with their boobs /:). It sure is in some people's blood.

Rejuvenation

2007-03-04T16:24:00.000+01:00

I want everyone reading this post to please pray along with me for the next five days, and please join it with fasting. Prayer point is that every anti-blogging spirit within me should fall down & die/scatter or be destroyed by fire.
I've made a sport in enjoying reading other people's blog but can't even drag myself to put up a post or even drop a comment. I believe God will answer our above prayer.
Recently I've come to realise that the truth doesn't sell as much as lies, so if anybody wants to go about playing Mother Theresa about any issue, you gotta think twice. The world don't like no truth-talkers.

Abdoulaye Wade has been 'elected' once again as the president of Senegal. He's already spent six years on the throne. He rule was characterised with desperation of people to leave Senegal for Europe at all cost. The VERY HANDSOME MAN should however not be allowed to represent Africa in any international occassion for fear of what his amazing look can cause. We don't want no scared diplomats, do we?

I've actually been a couch potato for some time now, gulping every movie I can lay my hands on. God save me from this disease this year.

African reps

2007-02-22T13:12:00.000+01:00

Check out those sent to represent us in Africa.

They grooved all night........now cannot contribute meaningfully to the business of the day

Oooh.......Our African Reps At The UN summit - Africa Is vanishing!!

Life goes on

2007-02-21T16:07:00.000+01:00

I can't but comment on the matches played yesterday (at least the one I watched).
Arsenal was playing a fine game trying to impress Jacques Chirac or God-knows-who. They were dribbling, wagging their tails and sticking their tongues out at the same time. I was just wondering if the basics of adjudging winner of a football match is the skills display. They really should have nailed Eindoven in the first half. EIndhoven wasn't very bad though. The moment that made me laugh most was when Philipe Senderos perched like a chicken that wanted to lay eggs and caught the ball when it was evident that the opponent had dribbled past him.
Somehow, Gallas wasn't just himself that yesterday and he showed it with every move he made.
As for Aruna Kone, the guy is just a figure-head striker there designed to waste time. He's a Louis Saha kind'a guy. Except the post is empty, he aint scoring.
Life goes on though. Let's see what the return leg would bring.

Kindergaten rule

2007-02-11T11:44:00.000+01:00

If you haven't heard, the whole of blogville is at Diamond's place enjoying themselves, so don't be left out.

Favouritism has really taken the centre-stage in Nigerian politics this time around. The ruling PDP have definitely read Geaorge Orwell's Animal farm. It's now in black & white, even pronounced by Mr. President himself that all animals are equal but some are more equal than others.
Abi what is the explanation for deciding to go ahead backing some gubernatorial candidates who have not ben cleared for misappropriation of funds? This our same government is the one that is "out to fight corruption with the whole of it's blood".
Can you imagine Obasanjo saying that "a known devil is better than a hidden angel"?!!! In a country where there's supposed to be rule of law? It just sucks. And this favour is given only to cameleons like Gbenga Daniels and not to the generally caught PDP thieves who wanna come back.

That reminds me of what Chief Gabriel Igbinedion said about his son after his first term in office as the governor of Edo State in Nigeria when he seeking for a second term. His remarks were that a son who fails a class should be allowed to REPEAT HIS TERM!! So they should give his son the chance to correct his wrongs :-S. So they have turned Nigeria into Jeleosinmi and Kindergaten where people experiment & learn how to rule?
God bless our nation. Where is Gani or Soyinka to lambast these people when we need them to?

Give me one reason

2007-02-05T19:08:00.000+01:00

Give me one reason to stay here - and Ill turn right back around
Give me one reason to stay here - and Ill turn right back around
Because I dont want leave you lonely
But you got to make me change my mind

Baby I got your number and I know that you got mine
But you know that I called you, I called too many times
You can call me baby, you can call me anytime
But you got to call me

Give me one reason to stay here - and Ill turn right back around
Give me one reason to stay here - and Ill turn right back around
Because I dont want leave you lonely
But you got to make me change my mind

I dont want no one to squeeze me - they might take away my life
I dont want no one to squeeze me - they might take away my life
I just want someone to hold me and rock me through the night

This youthful heart can love you and give you what you need
This youthful heart can love you and give you what you need
But Im too old to go chasing you around
Wasting my precious energy

Give me one reason to stay here - and Ill turn right back around
Give me one reason to stay here - and Ill turn right back around
Because I dont want leave you lonely
But you got to make me change my mind

Baby just give me one reason - give me just one reason why
Baby just give me one reason - give me just one reason why I should stay
Because I told you that I loved you
And there aint no more to say

Now for those who are music-inclined, give it a shot. Whose is this?

King of sorrow

2007-02-03T06:43:00.000+01:00

I'm crying everyone's tears
And there inside our private war
I died the night before
And all of these remnants of joy and disaster
What am I suppose to do
I want to cook you a soup that warms your soul
But nothing would change, nothing would change at all
It's just a day that brings it all about
Just another day and nothing's any good
The DJ's playing the same song
I have so much to do
I have to carry on
I wonder if this grief will ever let me go
I feel like I am the king of sorrow, yeah
The king of sorrow
I suppose I could just walk away
Will I disappoint my future if I stay
It's just a day that brings it all about
Just another day and nothing's any good
The DJ's playing the same song
I have so much to do
I have to carry onI wonder will this grief ever be gone
Will it ever go
I'm the king of sorrow, yeah
The king of sorrow
I'm crying everyone's tears
I have already paid for all my future sins
There's nothing anyone
Can say to take this away
It's just another day and nothing's any good
I'm the king of sorrow, yeah

King of sorrow

Life saving

2007-01-29T03:29:00.000+01:00

If you've been wondering why I haven't been updating in a while, the picture above says it all. I realised I really needed to get a manual on the equipment above or I would have to visit the psychiatry.

And thank God for authors, I found a wonderful book that has brought me comforting sanity. You should read it. I give it to Dr. Myles Munroe, he's good at it.

My life has been saved by the miracle of this book.

Greatest technology

2007-01-21T05:52:00.000+01:00

A group of technologists were showcasing their nations' prowess in the Cebit technology fair recently and the German stood up & said his nation is the best in technology. 'We are so good, if we conduct elections today we'll get the results tomorrow'.
The Japanese rose and said they were definitely better; ' We are so good, we get results of elections immediately after the elections. Our elections are monitored online, realtime'.
The Nigeria needn't stand up to speak, he made his speech while seated. 'And you all call that technology? In Nigeria we already know the results of elections before they are conducted'.
:D

More on census

2007-01-14T19:49:00.000+01:00

I was directed to Chxta's take on the population issue & I couldn't but bare my mind on the issue. You know this matter affects everyone, even our kids yet unborn.
Thank God you witnessed the epic migration of people from Lagos. And after they were counted in their states, did they remain there? When revenue is to be allocated, will it be made on the headcounts done during the census or on the actual presence & residence of people in a place? People will definitely be concerned about revenue allocation when states like Lagos receive less money per head because the hausas would have returned to Lagos to earn a living when the allocation for Kano would be spent on the few that remain there.Let's not lie to ourselves, even the Obasanjo Government that is doing many wonderful ground-breaking reforms dont have budgets for housing. So the governor of Kano receives his allocation only to affect the lives of people PRESENT in his state at the moment. If he has so much money to take care of his people and all he does is provide healthcare, water, security & a few other things for the people PRESENT in his state (cos he cant provide healthcare for those who have migrated) while Tinubu is bulging his eyes out on how to provide adequate security ('cos area boys are on the increase) and housing so people don't sleep under the bridge, isn't that impartiality? And the government has no other means of determining the ratio of revenue allocation than to use the figures of already migrated people! States with greater population density would definitely argue that they should get more. Thank God you discovered that the population of Bayelsa isn't much while they've been collecting 'gbemu'. The truth is it is not only Alams that has been collecting this money. If he was he was not eating it all alone. An hegemonic group is definitely there sharing the stuff. And you ask the governors of the west to sit still while their counterparts are sharing a greater part of the national cake?! They would be asking themselves, 'is it not this looting business we all are into? Why must some chop the larger part of the national cake while we do the major work?'.

The only way people wont refute results of census is only when the result isn't used in sharing revenue allocation, or census is taken while people don't migrate en mass. Pardon me for my laziness in research or I would have expatiated on how it is done, but I hear that census is done sceintifically in the U.S by determining figures using heat emission from the body (or something like that, before you quote me!) . This way the data could be captured at night when there is little movement. I guess Emeritus Blog Professors like Grandiose Parlor & Chippla can find that out & explain the modus operandi.
The politics involved in the use of the data would always make people in the south feel concerned. Some argue without data to prove for real, but the truth is better seen with the naked eyes. You can't subpoena such people for them to prove it, they can see it!
The truth is these people who use it for revenue allocation know these things, but they ARE NOT READY to digress from using it because it sure favours their clan. And they WILL DO MANY THINGS to make sure that it is kept that way! Except ofcourse if the opposition quorum is loud enough to help rescue Nigeria from their grasp.

Chicken no dey cry for night

2007-01-10T16:27:00.000+01:00

If there's anything ludicrous I've heard this new year, it's the declaration by National Population Commision that there are more people in Kano than in Lagos. Haba! As David said, it seems as if they counted cows & goats join human beings.
What made me finally deduce that everything is a shamble and a pack of lies is the statement that 'there are more men in Nigerian than women'. What do these people take us for, bonfools? Has any of them come to the streets of Lagos to see how girls flock every nook & cranny? Go to a party & you'll discover that. The rate at which girls dey fight overs guys sef is a serious statistics.
That's the greatest joke I've heard this year. No way! Chicken no dey cry for night.

Questions

2007-01-10T13:58:00.000+01:00

There are still some things I'm finding hard to find answers to despite trying hard. Atimes I get answers that aren't explanatory or understandable.
Some of the questions are:
Can God ask someone to go and kill another person, seeing he already said thou shalt not kill in his commandment?
What should you do when someone really is trying to kill you and you know the only way to stop that person is to harm/kill such person?
Will all those soldiers, especially the ones who went to war Iraq get to heaven ('cos they killed many ppl)?
Aren't you an accessory to drunkenness if you work in a brewery (no matter the department)?
How do you break up wiv ur chic if she doesn't wanna make herself available if you tell her 'We have to talk'? Put it in mind that it shows lack of courtesy to break up over the fone. Is it appropriate to email her a break up?

Deception

2007-01-08T06:51:00.000+01:00

Happy new year all.
I start the year with a post on something that hasn't failed to baffle me whenever I come across it any & everytime. You sure would come across it in every facet of life.
Most times I ask my friends why ladies find it acceptable for you to tell them lies than for you to simply put issues as they are - natural, plain & simple. Why is it that you don't get your business proposals accepted & worked upon until you feign being a rich professional guy with all the available resources are your disposal to live a blatantly bogus lifestyle?
Mere going to the bank richly dressed can ensure that you won't stay on the queue to get your objectives. You are treated as a commoner if you don't look rich.
The family of a lady you intend to settle down with don't take you serious until you show up at the lady's crib with an S-class or BMW jeep.
Parents don't like their wards to take up courses that they have passion for because they feel it won't fetch enough money like the ones they have in mind.
Though many of us know that all is a charade, but it is mostly accepted everywhere in the world to 'treat those things that aren't as though they were' when it comes to packaging falsehood so as to be acceptable. Even cow-dung, if properly packaged will be sold for humongous profits not because the whole world doesn't know it's bullshit but because it looks nice after being packaged.
The truth/simplicity is always seen to be old, archaic and uninteresting to people. That is why many men will go a long way in deception than telling women the truth, 'cos they simply wouldn't want to listen to the simple truth. They prefer the sugar-coated tongues that input nice but vain imaginations into their heads.
Many businesses are in a ruin because of false propositions and attractively false standpoints in their books.

Are you in the league of those drinking pee just because it looks like lemonade?

It's my birthday

2006-12-29T16:56:00.000+01:00

Rejoice with me once again, it's my birthday .I shaln't be blogging tomorrow so I'd rather do it today.
When i wake up in the morning, I shall be a year older.

Merry xmas

2006-12-22T13:06:00.000+01:00

I love to wish everyone, including the haters, a big fat merry xmas (on the double) and a wonderfully prosperous new year.

2007 is a year to look forward to. There'll definitely be many wonderful things to happen in the new year. So to those that have lost hope, I say do not despair. Change is coming. To those who didn't really hit it hard, there's greater grace to do more next year. To those who had something big happen for them this year (una sabi una self), I say this year will pause and not end until you wash it for us.
For those who thought we won't amount to nothing, I say they shall open their eyes and see the wonders of the Lord. Kekere na him u don see, thou shalt be flabbergasted when the blessings of the Lord comes upon us like the rushing of the winds.
To those who saw some red eyes and didn't get the best of friendship, I say 'Shit happens'.
For those that used our services and didn't reciprocate financially, ALAWIN NIYIN (bloody creditors)!
And to everyone, gear up for the coming year 'cos ya ain't seen nothing yet!

A special prayer for Bukky's mum that she shall rise on her feet and be made whole in the coming year. Godstrength!

You are all invited to my birthday which I shall be celebrating on Dec. 30th. Of course rice & stew shall be very plenty.

MIxed feelings

2006-12-19T23:21:00.000+01:00

Hey all! How's it going? Prepared for xmas? It should a fun one.
I'm getting mixed feelings this year as xmas is approaching. While some issues are interesting some people are just killjoys.
As accepted globally, good news first so you be able to suck the bad news in after that.
I never knew I was such a Chelsea fan until Man. Utd dropped to 2 points above Chelsea. What a sigh of relief I gave. Boy was I glad! It was like getting something bothering your mind fixed. Now we can pump up the volume and ensure Alex Ferguson retires on this one. Way to go Jose!

Now for the not-so-nice one. You know some people are just a pain in the butt for no just reason. Haven't you seen some people be a worry to your life sha? That's why no matter how some people thrive at success, they'll never hit it (no swearing, it's the truth) cos they've always been problems to others. Some of those guys I wanted to get a gun for that many were pleading on their behalf have started again o! I wonder how one person can leave the unrestricted enjoyment and affluence attached to his post high up and start disturbing up-coming big boys (like a frend will call it). The guy just want spoil xmas for me o.
Imagine when Lagos turned to Paris with shows everywhere and at every weekend, they dont want me to enjoy my life. A life that I tried very hard building well this year. The devil is a liar! Wait till I speak with Baba loke to scatter their plans by fire.

How are you gonna spend your xmas? I've already told myself that this xmas is going to be a quiet one for me. No visiting anybody this year. I'll just stay at home & enjoy the holidays. I think it's time to design one's life to please oneself henceforth 'cos there's only one life to live. I'm gonna start treating myself like a royalty henceforth. I aint gonna kill myself on any work. It's either I take my time doing the work or I just leave it. I've learnt that life isn't worth the gragra. So this holiday, either I'm scheduled to be in the office or not I'm going AWOL and there's nothing anybody can do about that. A colleague was buried recently and the best they could do was to give him a minute silence. Upon all his hard work o!
For those not coming home, they are gonna miss a LOT! It's gonna be wow xmas in Lagos with all these preps i'm seeing.

The year is coming to an end & I'm seriously thinking about drawing up plans & resolutions (been a long time I did that). I think it's time I move on up. You know what I'm saying?! It's about time I became responsible. Now isn't that hard?

***** I think we need to form an alliance & sue blogger.com with all these abnormalties o. One cannot even sign in at once sometimes, even to post pictures self na wahala! Sorry Nila & Keshi, maybe I'll send you the picture*****

Some things need a woman's touch

2006-12-18T03:24:00.000+01:00

Duhhh......Can that be true? Click on the pic.

Reminiscence

2006-12-15T23:07:00.000+01:00

Sitting at home for a huge part of the day has made me realise how much christmas is in the air. The T.V was just blaring with songs of xmas, station after station. I didn't realise that xmas has come so close until that moment.
There and then I started have nostalgic feelings about my 'kid old days'. A great flush of smile painted the horizon of my face. All the songs sang brought back rich memories of very naughty and funny past.
A few of us formed a cartel then that was very good at twisting just about any song and placing the remix in a very wonderful form that they would be hard to differentiate from their originals. We also learned many from God-knows-where.
I remember singing many of those songs so much that I forgot once that I was at home in the presence of my mum when the urge to sing fell on me. I burst into:

Jingle bell jingle bell jingle all the way
Babangida open yash
Everybody shout 'O n run'
Jingle bell jingle bell jingle all the way
Babangida open yash
Everybody shout

Mum immediately shouted the song back to where it was coming from.
Is that the song they are teaching you in Grace that we pay so much for? I'm going to complain to your teachers that they aren't teaching you the right songs.

I was just looking at her and thinking within myself that that was the only song she heard and she had started complaining. What if I then sang a couple of our cartel-remix for her wetin go happen?

I digress....

I remembered many also and the vivid pictures of my young friends came alive in my head:

Iya Dele ti se'be /2ce
Ebi n pa wa
Awa fe je'yan
Iya Dele ti se'be.

It's an adaptation for 'We are H-A-P-P-Y..........'

And this one:

Wherever you go
(Go-go-gon-go!)
Wherever you be
(Sisi eko!)
Do not say yes
When you mean to say no
(Baba Ibadan!)

Whatever we did, we never sang to the hearing of Mrs. Osinowo 'cos she would practically slap the taste out of our mouths. If it was Mr Natnah (we used to call him Ninety-nine), Mr. Zubair (Suberu) or Mr. Ablodepee - I no sabi the spelling jare!( A-bloody-fool was closest to our reasoning). If it was Mr Aful that caught us, then we autopsy would have officially confirmed us dead. All those Ghanian teaches were both funny and weird somehow. I remember the music teacher - Mr. Devor (we used to call him devil 'cos he REALLY looked like the devil himself). I loved music so much, but I couldn't let the devil hold my hands to teach me to play the piano.

I wonder where the likes of Nike Oyediran, Kunle Odekoya, Dennis Adetoye, Tope Shokunbi, Tope Osinubi, Maria Alege, Steve Nmecha, Ikeri Enyinna, Chimezie Onuegbu, Ndubisi Chidebelu, Nike Laoye, Demola Ajayi et al will be at the moment. Possibly married with rugrats and all other entanglements of life.
Or they could be reminiscing just as I am right now.............

How often do you think about your childhood days? Do you get smiles written across your face? What funny/twisted songs do you remember?

No condition is permanent

2006-12-15T22:53:00.000+01:00

No way for IBB, says the guys in PDP.
One's own pill must be very bitter. The same big hammer which he was holding only years ago is being used this time on him. Tables have turned.
Now I truly know that no condition is permanent.

IBB collected his retirement benefits while in office and used it.

But who will pet Ibrahim to stop licking his wounds? I guess Mariam should do that well for us.

Presidential meal

2006-12-09T16:16:00.000+01:00

Now I know why politicians steal money; their meal ticket at Chicken Republic is higher than that of voters.
Imagine Presidental meal is N2050 when voters meal is N1050.

Lol.

House of humour II

2006-12-06T16:59:00.000+01:00

So continuing on the funny side of these leaders. Let me pounce on Jigawa State governor, Saminu Turaki: They say that one stays permanently overseas. The only time he visits his state is when revenue allocation is to be shared so that ha can come and claim his state's share, and when he's on holidays. That means he works abroad permanently. I got to know him during his first term, he was always talking about ICT passionately as if his state was a Silicon Valley. The state is so arid and dry that you begin to wonder where the man got the goggles which he's using for his vision from. His goggles seem to be one stronger than Abe Lincoln's o! He's not even talking about mechanized farming to increase crop yield and boost production or even solar energy generation in a state where the sun is like 100 ft above. Who will leave developed states to start business in a state where there isn't the basic amenities to encourage dwelling and even trade? White men don wash him brain comot. You all know Alams' case, so there's no use repeating old story. Ogun state governor stole so much money during the Gateway games that the President has advised him not to run for second term in his best interest. Gbenga Daniels is known for embracing the press to open the state of things in his state. When the can of worms was opened, we couldn't believe how the governor managed to deceive everybody (including himself) that everything was runnign smoothly. His problem started when he slapped (yes you read well, slapped!!) one of his commisioners who's been helping him day-in day out. People never learn from history, wasn't it the same problem that Tafa balogun had? Temporary governor of Oyo state nko? That one na yellow fever (remember Fela's song?). He bleached every part of his body (including his eyes) and looks like a premature albino. Nothing short of an Area Father, he cannot distinctly express himself in English, especially when engaged in a hot discussion. The man would just switch to SOLID ogbomoso dialect and keep ranting. And this is the man in charge of the coffers of the state?! When I heard what Nuhu Ribadu said about the governor of Zamfara state, I laughed till I pissed. He said sebi people are stealing cows and bicycles in his state and they are cutting their hands, if he opens the different scams and wanton looting of the state treasury that Ahmed Yerima has engaged in, he would be chopped into tiny pieces like suya. Remember it's Yerima's son that dashed out cars to musicians for singing his praise when development is beckoning. And Yerima wants to become president oh. In fact, these people are too nauseating. God help Nigeria!

House of humour

2006-12-02T20:48:00.000+01:00

My people, these leaders can make you laugh until you start having heart pain. What else will you get when the structure of partisan politics only allows hooligans (who are worse than British football fans) attain elective positions?
I hear that the poultry scam (which blew open Fayose's butts) is a very funy one. Sit back make I jist you:
Fayose invited President Obasanjo to come inaugurate the N1.3 BILLION (not million o!) poultry farm. When Baba got there, he asked how come the poultry was so neat that the place wasn't smelling at all (abi chicken no dey shit again?). Replying dumbly, Fayose told Mr. President that it was the sophisticated fumigation and different chemicals applied by the white experts that made the place so neat. It was confirmed that Fayose went TO RENT CHICKENS in order to open the poultry. Haba, after collecting N1.3 Billion, you can't spend at most N1 million buying the chickens!
And he was so dumb that it was a practising professional farmer that he called to inaugurate the farm.

I shall continue with more humourous jists in Part II.

A plus for anti-corruption

2006-12-02T20:33:00.000+01:00

I've been hearing of corrupt leaders from external bodies, but the case of Abubakar Audu is one very familiar to me. Reliable sources confirm how backward his thinking was when he was ruling Kogi state in Nigeria before PDP took over his second term (thank God for that).
My colleagues told me that then in Lokoja, you needn't do any work at all. Just wake up in the morning and go visit the state governor in his quarters. You might have to wait for 3hrs before he attends to you but it's worth it. Once he comes out, people start singing his praise and counting the good things he's done. That's all that is needed for him to start 'blessing your life'.
They say he personally hands cash gifts to everyone that comes to 'visit' him and praise him (sometimes as much as N50,000 each) EVERYDAY!
I'm so glad to hear that EFCC has nabbed him. He was arrainged in court in his own state yesterday. This should teach his fellow gluttons some lesson.

Ere gele - Dangerous games

2006-12-02T19:46:00.000+01:00

It often baffles me how far people will go endangering their lives in the name of making ends meet.
This man should have learned from Steve Irwin. The most people can do when you die is to organise a befitting burial, dedicate a week (at most) to you and pack your grave full of roses. Shikena! After that, life goes on as if nothing happened.
He can go and become snake king in heaven.

Bite kills Malaysia 'Snake King'

A snake charmer who made a name for himself as Malaysia's Snake King has died after being bitten by a king cobra.
Ali Khan Samsudin, 48, had entered the record books for locking himself in small spaces with hundreds of snakes or scorpions for days at a time.
The old adage "once bitten twice shy" simply did not apply to Mr Ali Khan.
According to local press reports, he had his first altercation with a king cobra 27 years ago.
So when, on Tuesday, one of his subjects inflicted what was just the latest of many bites, he had not been unduly worried.
However, two days later, his condition worsened suddenly and his family rushed him to hospital. He died before he could receive treatment.
Ali Khan Samsudin found fame in the early 1990s when he lived for 12 hours a day for 40 days in a small room with 400 cobras.
That earned him the title of Snake King.
In 1997, he acquired another record - Scorpion King - after shutting himself in a box with 6,000 of the creatures for three weeks.
He was reportedly bitten 99 times in his life.
He leaves two wives, five children and a protege known as the Scorpion Queen, who he trained for her own record-breaking stunt two years ago.

All in the name of entertainment? How far can you go to make ends meet?

Aremu goes to school

2006-11-29T19:21:00.000+01:00

Information reaching us has confirmed that President Matthew Okikiolu Olusegun Aremu Obasanjo (GCFR) has re-enrolled to go back to school.
The idea sounds nice, but one disturbing fact there is that he's going to study Diploma in Christian Theology in the School of Arts and Social Sciences. Then one wonders, what exactly does he need that course for? If it was a degree in Economics, then we'll say he needed to learn from the few mistakes he made while in government.
The closest explanation to Mr. Aremu's choice is that he is finally planning to rest from partisan politics. He is going to be an elder statesman who will be armed with diploma in settling disputes amongst ethnics, parties and ideologies.
But can Baba Otta rest after May 29 2007? After allaying every stakeholder who was not in the same class of thinking with him.....
Who is deceiving who?
Obo n gb'obo g'ope (Monkey is helping another monkey climb a tree).

The power of hope

2006-11-26T04:57:00.000+01:00

The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for - Allan K. Chalmers.

If you want to build a ship, don't herd people together to collect wood and don't assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea - Antoine de Saint-Exupery.

One characteristic of black people worldwide, especially Nigerians, is that there's always hope somewhere at the back of their minds, even where there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel.
There's always abundance hope in Nigeria. 'E go better ' is the slogan. And whoever doesn't believe in that is perceived to be demon-possessed and heading towards destruction.
Amidst the 39 sitting 99 standing in the molue, hope is not missen in anyone that things will get better (if not with the nation in general, at least with them).
Amidst those who go through hook & crook means, impersonation (ori-olori), and the determination to get to any land where one can see white men living, the bottomline is that hope resides within them that things will get better and they'll come home one day to become Chiefs, Cash Madams, Owambe peeps et al.
From Chinedu whose father sold all his stock investments for him to travel out, who later couldn't get any better/easier thing to do than to be an Odu boy; Tamuno who's selling groceries in Yokohama; to Loretta from Benin who's in Spain trying to make a living; to Hamza who's packing snow this winter for money, hope is the oil that runs their locomotives.

And hope seems not to have diminished with those that are even at home & aren't successful in finding ways to checking out. A workmate recently narrated a scenario in which he saw a man (probably in his late 50s) went to a young lady who is a lottery agent and sat with her, keenly looking at what she was doing and handing what seems to be no small money over to her. He was PLAYING LOTTERY! His mien expressed statements like 'Better play this well, 'cos I gotta win this one or else all hell will let loose'.
The lottery is fast gaining grounds after the seeming demise of the 'POOL' famous with elderly men because they hardly win.
The pool has now been so modernised that it's called lottery and the draws are even aired on national TV and local stations, some even use mobile phones for playing them.
There are three lottery services with various inspiring tags:
1. National Lottery - Levels go change o
2. Lagos State Lottery - E fit be you o
3. Baba Ijebu - Dapada!

Of all the three lotteries mentioned above, none is as popular, widely accepted and lucrative in Lagos as much as Baba Ijebu. Levels go change o and E fit be you o were tags chosen by their operators. But Dapada! (return it) wasn't picked by the operators of Baba Ijebu (headed by one Chief Kessington), it was christened by locals because of the generous way it blesses those that play it. I can confidently inform you that the volume of transaction of Baba Ijebu is more than 100 million a day (it aint a dream, it's reality).
While others are using sophisticated equipments to run and even have websites, Baba Ijebu is simply local and doesn't require much to run his business. And people are winning LIKE HELL!!
My aunt told me she once saw her friend at a Baba Ijebu kiosk playing lottery who urged her to come and play. Her friend played with N2000! Talk about hope.
If you win, Baba Ijebu doesn't give cheques or redeemable instruments but raw cash, even if it's 4 million. Even the IFAs & WC in Etomi blog are gradually taking to it.

All these are happening when people are finding it hard to get three square meals. Many would rather have two and use money for the third to play Baba Ijebu if he would Dapada!
In a civilized and normal world, lottery is meant to be played with small money. But due to poverty which begets the strong belief in hope and a better tomorrow, many (like that man) prefer to invest heavily in lottery 'cos the money sef no reach do all the things you want do. He that is down needs fear no fall.
HELP!!! Some people are using their dry breads to scoop our soup.

****I've got a business proposal for we bloggers; why not let's put money together to organise another Baba Ijebu kinda lottery in Lagos? The return on investment (ROI) is more than 100% in 6 months. The stats? There are more than 15 million people in Lagos. Furthermore, as long as the Nigerian blood runs in the veins of people residing in Lagos, we'll always make money from them. It's what I call the power of hope.*******

I passed | Get me a gun

2006-11-20T21:37:00.000+01:00

I've not been blogging consistently because I was preparing for an exam and reading like no man's business.
Well, there's no need to do that again 'cos I went for the exam today and I PASSED!!!!!! Ope factorial! Now I'm a Microsoft Certified Partner.
This time it won't be funny if I send another certificate again to my employers and they still don't do anything meaningful.
That's when I'm gonna switch to plan B.
Plan B: I've been saving some money to GET ME A GUN and do the needful for those Management guys (bloody baggers!). The issue is that I have to plan it well 'cos I can't take them all out using double barrel or AK47 'cos the rounds won't be enough. So I'm saving more so I can get me a sub-machine gun that'll take them all out at once.

Make una thank God for me o.
So where are the oil companies I've been running after?

Loser!

2006-11-17T20:23:00.000+01:00

One of them losers - Atarodo.

All those who stole the nation's money shall not come back again.

Different strokes

2006-11-08T19:31:00.000+01:00

In Africa, it's the fight against corruption, poverty, greed and dieseases. In some other places.............

India's Supreme Court is to review the fate of 300 monkeys captured roaming on the streets of the capital, Delhi.
The court had ordered that the monkeys be relocated to forests in central Indian state of Madhya Pradesh.
But the animals are proving unpopular there and locals there have lodged an official objection to the plan.
Thousands of monkeys roam Delhi, mostly around government offices, and are considered a public nuisance.
For years the wild animals have caused havoc, riding on the city's metro trains, roaming through parliament.
They have invaded the prime minister's office and the Defence Ministry, helping themselves to top secret military files.
They cannot be killed because many Indians see them as sacred.
Instead they have been captured, their fate decided by a bench of Supreme Court judges headed by India's Chief Justice.
Some 250 monkeys have already been relocated by a court order to forests in the central Indian state of Madhya Pradesh.
But many people there are now objecting, saying the animals are bringing with them their hooligan habits learnt in the city and are terrorising rural villages.
So the Supreme Court has been asked to find another solution. The monkey menace is proving a tricky issue, exercising some of India's most eminent legal minds.

Damn monkeys disturbing people's lives! Don't these people know that monkey soup is a real delicacy? Ask them 404 people.

From frying pan to fire

2006-11-02T19:29:00.000+01:00

It's bad enough that there was a plane crash in Nigeria on sunday, which is definitely a symptom of the dysfunctional avation sector proudly managed by Prof. Babalola Borishade. It's more pathetic that the man has, because of his desire for money, power, fame or God knows what, refused to give up his post thereby causing the loss of the lives of many people.
And it's rather gruesome to exchange his duty with CHIEF FEMI FANI-KAYODE! 8-X. Was the man brought in for damage-control, damage increment or what? He on his own is a one-man squad that can cause catalytic damage. At this time when many of those who lost their loved ones' bloods are boiling, the last thing people need is words from the man's mouth when he's doing what he's known to do best.
In a bid to find someone to barb one's hair when there's no barber, there's no need to drop the gardener who can still do something useful for the farmer who only knows how to use his cutlass to fell trees and shrubs.

It's a true saying that blood is thicker than water. The ties between Borishade and Mr. President is similar to that of David Blunkett and Prime Minister Blair.

Crazy world

2006-10-27T04:37:00.000+01:00

What actions do you consider the craziest in the world? How often do you see or hear about crazy actions? Here it's a lot easier to catch glimpse of minutes of madness spread everywhere. Hardly does a day go by without you stopping on your tracks to laugh your heart out. Sometimes the memory lingers on so much that you occasionally burst into laughter at a neutral place long after the event occured.
This is not the first time I'm seeing evidently frustrated bus conductors venting their anger in a most absurd manner that you don't have any other option but to laugh & knock your head with your neighbour's.
Popularly known for their arrogance, tenacity and sheer disrespect, bus conductors are Lords of the Manor in the transportation realm. Small time if they see crowd wating for bus, they automatically change their billing system. Dragging money with agbero nko? That one na story for another day.
Once on my way home from Ikeja, I saw this Danfo bus caught by LASTMA (the over-efficient state traffic control unit). There was a hot argument between the driver+conductor vs LASTMA officials+police ('cos they always have police men with them to help put fear in motorists). The driver had been caught earlier in the day and had been dragged to LASTMA office to pay N5K for traffic offence. He was then allegedly caught at that point to have have breached traffic rule again. In his determination to show them that he wasn't gonna be dragged away again, the guy started removing his clothes. He DIDN'T STOP removing his clothes. When he got to his panties, HE DID THE SAME. He was stark naked (LOL) by the highway. HE didn't even stop arguing. Visibly embarassed, the LASTMA officials had to return his key and let him go.
Yesterday's case is even funnier. This guy had been stopped just before Tai Solarin's statue at Yaba, Psychiatric Hospital at the other side. The heated argument had definitely been a prolonged one. This time around, there were more police men than LASTMA guys (about 6 to 1), and whenever you see this kind'a combination you should know that's BIG trouble. The policemen (evidently happy to find someone who will provide all the money they need for the weekend groove) adamantly refused to listen to the poor conductor. Na so the guy begin commot cloth like person wey just turn mad now now. This one too didn't stop until he was STARK NAKED! He ranted and squealed and wriggled his body like Femi Kuti playing on stage. Ol'boy this scene wasn't easy oh. The policemen didn't even do as if they were aware that he's naked. Then he started bouncing and 'floating like a butterly, stinging like a bee', Mohammed Ali caricature. Na so Brocos just dey jump up and down like when Lagbaja dey ring bell Gbagaun! Gbagaun!! Gbagaun!!!

P.S The camera wasn't working at that point, I for show you the picture

Love wantintin

2006-10-23T18:57:00.000+01:00

They say love is blind........

ABIDJAN, Ivory Coast (Reuters) -- Two prisoners in an Ivory Coast jail who courted and fell in love through a peephole in an iron door have been released for a few hours to get married, one of their jailers said Friday.
Roland Guy Bouabre, serving a 3-year sentence for stealing a bicycle, courted Emilie Yobouet, who was given a one-year sentence for kidnapping a child, while he was delivering groceries for her to cook.
He would take the groceries to the iron door and then a guard would deliver them.
"You can find love in all kinds of places -- even prison," Daloa prison guard Norbert Bah told Reuters by telephone.
Yobouet completed her sentence two days after the wedding but brings food to the jail each day to supplement her husband's meager prison diet.

enTAGlement

2006-10-20T00:11:00.000+01:00

Na Diamond dash me work oh. All the same, it's all good.

FOUR JOBS YOU'VE HAD IN YOUR LIFE

1. Systems Engineer

2. Electrical Draughtsman

3. I.T. Representative

4. One kind work for NEPA/PHCN

FOUR FICTIONAL JOBS YOU WISH YOU HAD

1. Programmer in Microsoft Corporation

2. Robotics Engineer in a reputable robotics firm

3. Design Engineer in Sony Corporation

4. A code cracker/hacker/developer at Langley

FOUR MOVIES YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN

1. Shawshank redemption

2. Catch me if you can

3. The Last Samurai

4. Conspiracy theory

5. The man in the Iron mask

6. The Bone Collector

7. John Q

8. Oh, I thought you said 40.

FOUR CITIES YOU'VE LIVED IN

1. Lagos

2. Ibadan (hols)

3. City of Ikenne

4. City of Offa

FOUR TV SHOWS YOU LOVE TO WATCH

1. The X-files

2. The New Masquerade

3. Fawlty towers

4. Some mothers do have them

FOUR PLACES YOU'VE BEEN ON VACATION/TRAVELED TO

1. Ibadan

2. Ogbomoso

3. Ilorin

4. Stockholm (In my dreams)

FOUR WEBSITES YOU VISIT DAILY

1. ***.blogspot.com (blogs et al)

2. BBC

3. Guardian Newspaper

4. Slashdot

FOUR OF YOUR FAVORITE FOODS

1. Yam & Fried Eggs. In fact, anything with Fried Eggs

2. King-sized freshly-baked doughnut with sweet jelly inside (on the double)

3. Eba with freshly cooked Okro soup+meat+fish

4. And of course Ijebu Garri (to kan dada)+milk+Milo+groundnut+lil sugar

FOUR THINGS YOU WON'T EAT

1. Cherries - Agbalumo (not even when I'm dead)

2. Plantain chips

3. Boiled meat

4. Guinea fowl egg (looks very scary to me, considering the small size)

FOUR THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD EAT OR DRINK RIGHT NOW

1. Original yellow Ogi - Pap ( Mayflower style) with Beans that contains shrimps & squashed croaker fish

2. Hot Amala + Okro soup and FRIED meat/fish

3. Serious Chicken burger ( not one prepared in Mr. Biggs oh!)

4. Garri Ijebu+milk+groundnut+Milo with fried peppered fish.

FOUR THINGS IN YOUR BEDROOM

1. Bed

2. PC

3. Cloth hanger

4. Book cupboard

FOUR THINGS YOU WISH YOU HAD IN YOUR BEDROOM

1. More space

2. High end research lab (yes, right in my bedroom)

3. A God-damn pillow that doesn't make my neck hurt in the morning

4. The Woman

FOUR THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW

1. Singlet

2. Black trousers

3. I can't tell you the rest, that's a security issue

FOUR PLACES I'D RATHER BE RIGHT NOW

1. On my bed at home

2. On vacation on that beach they used in The Beach (Leo DiCaprio)

3. Lagoon front, Unilag alone with ____

4. Geneva

FOUR FICTIONAL PLACES I'D RATHER BE RIGHT NOW

1. Eldorado

2. Lagos with some peace and quiet and without power outages

3. Wishing chair

4. Magic carpet

FOUR PEOPLE YOU'D REALLY LOVE TO HAVE DINNER WITH

1. Bill Gates - I wanna know how he beat the whole world to it.

2. Bill Clinton - He should give me lessons on how to talk people to submission & friendliness

3. Jesus - I'll ask him how he was able to pull through in this world. Weren't babes as many and foine as the ones we have now present during his time. Man pikin need special anointing oh. Won ti po ju.

4. Sit tight African leaders+old ones who wanna come back - I sure will ask why they want to further impoverish the people and want to die on the throne.

THINGS YOU ARE THINKING RIGHT NOW

1. I hope I'm not giving too much information for me to be whacked

2. Why didn't I know it's this stressful to simply do this

3. Somebody has to pay me for this amount of time & energy I'm expending

4. When will my time come? I'm doing so much in order to be successful

FOUR OF YOUR FAVORITE THINGS

1. Shoes

2. My Phone

3. Simply designed T-shirt+ Jeans

4. Music

FOUR PEOPLE YOU TAG

Dem go don tag everybody now! Well sha, make I try.

1. Keshi

2. Trae

3. Christabelle

4. Laide

Take am!

2006-10-19T19:40:00.000+01:00

You never start your hand don dey shake. Simply hilarious.

A year and counting

2006-10-16T06:46:00.000+01:00

Today, I discovered that I've spent just a couple of days more than a year on blogspot. I must admit that I've met many wonderful people on the web and I've been able to broaden my horizon and learn other people's ideologies & ways of thinking.
I cannot but thank everyone who spend time going through my rants. I really appreciate you all. Those that make it a duty to leave comments, I'm deeply grateful. I cannot thank you all enough for your support, correction & encouragement.
My desire for the blogosphere is have blogs that'll impact people's lives for the positive. Those that will encourage the way people live their lives and encourage togetherness, versatility, success, and above all humour.

The next year promises to be one more humourous and tantalizing. Try sit tight like African leaders & enjoy the ride.

Sayonara

2006-10-15T21:11:00.000+01:00

It's necessary to note the good works of people who have refused to remain passive in leadership and in one way or another decided to be instruments for change and better ways of doing things.
On this note I wanna say ou revoir to Baba Fryo himself & Junichiro Presley.

Your great works speak volume & will always live after you.
It's very hard to imagine Baba Iyabo as the Secretary-General of the UN, since he was tussling with Kofi Annan then. How would things be worlwide now? Would everything have become privatised? Abi the war in Iraq wouldn't have started if he was there?

I can only imagine.......

Tables turn

2006-10-03T23:30:00.000+01:00

The young man standing laughing
But he knows where the shoe dey pain am so
He no fit do anything today
But one day the tables will turn

The little children on the streets
Are working hard so they can eat
Them no fit do anything but cry
One day the tables will turn

My sister with the sexy eyes
Selling her body so she can eat
She no fit do anything but worry
But one day the tables will turn

....................

The average man doesn't ask for too much
he only wants what you & I want
A safe place to lay his head at night
Is that too much to ask?
.....................

Beautiful Nubia's Tables turn in his new album Fere speaks directly to my spirit. His music raises the hairs on the back of my neck, I still cannot fathom why. I keep feeling like a Gani or something each time I hear him sing.
Frankly, he should be applauded for the soulful music he churns out.

Listen to it.

Only in my homeland

2006-10-02T19:33:00.000+01:00

Listening to the radio this evening, I heard an embattled state governor accused of embezzling funds meant for state development quoting from the bible. Ekiti state governor, Ayo Fayose is accused of diverting huge public funds to build houses for himself, his mother and for other personal issues. His aides were once accosted in his presence on their way out of the nation and huge sums of money were found in their bags. His words were as those of one seasoned in the study of the holy book.
He said: "I want them to know that the God I serve would definitely put them to shame because their gathering is not of God and it would be scattered."
Quoting from the bible (only God knows if he knows where it is), he said "Those that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. The shall mount up with wings as eagles".
He said he had taken very good care of the legislators more than any other governor in the country, wondering why they decided to collude with the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) to get him out of office at all costs.
I remember Alams also saying that God had aided his escape from the UK.
And if these people actually study the holy book as it seems, how come they don't follow the instructions? How come they can easily memorise the verses but fail to live by what they read?
This God must be a very patient God.
It's only in my homeland that you hear of such things happening.

Bomboclart

2006-09-30T09:36:00.000+01:00

See me see life oh! I was enjoying myself (working in the office...rather pathetic) this morning, an environmental sanitation morning, busy exchanging text messages with Sunshine (thanks to Globacom who gave us free 35 free text) and this text came in. I picked the phone, hoping to read her next thread and I discovered it's not from her.
Here it goes:
Congratulation! You have won #100,000. Your no. is among the winners of the La Casera drink bonanza. ticket no. 00190. Call 08077240804 to claim your prize.
I was reeling with both laughter & anger at the same time.
Trust me now, it didn't take me time to organise something as solid as a baseball bat to hurl at the jobless farts;
Which Nigerian do you think will fall for such idiotic brilliance? This nation has become too sensitive for you to use such cheap tricks. I suggest you try Ghana. Ode!
I even tried flashing the number so the person can call me back so I can give him the insult of his life/sermon on the mount. He opted wisely, he never called, or hasn't.
There are many hungry people here oh. When we no dey Warri/Prague.
Abi person wey no play lotto fit win am? Bombloclart!

Yeah I got my PC & connection now, so welcome to paradise annex.

You be thief, I no be thief

2006-09-28T11:37:00.000+01:00

Chai!! You can't believe the cans of worms that were opened by Mallam Nuhu Ribadu. Massive corruption and embezzlement in a grand scale.
To be sincere, I've always wanted a situation where coruption would be tackled. But I never had any idea that corruption in Nigeria is as immense and mega as it is being unraveled.
Imagine close to N50 BILLION repatriated from the money stolen by Alams!! Agbabiaka oh! In just under about 5yrs of Democratic rule. What if he was ruling in the military junta? And he was the Head of State & not the governor? His looting would have been greater than Abacha's, no doubt.
Then imagine 31 Abacha-like state governors!! More than enough ticks to suck a dog dry of blood. These are not petty thieves oh. They are like zombies appearing at various/different places in the nation. This statistic seems to be staggering, but it seems like there are about 10 thieves to every 8 leaders in the nation.
I wish the penalty could be death by hanging or Jerry Rawlings style we can adopt to deal with these blood-sucking maggots. Then there wouldn't be any leader in Nigeria again, just like there aren't aged people in Ghana.
Now it's time for the argument like Fela sang ;

'You be thief, I no be thief
You be armu robber, I no be armu robber'.

How I wish only two people were alive right now, Tai Solarin & Fela. Even CNN would relocate their head office to Nigeria 'cos there'll be up-to-the-minute news flowing.
After a long while, we all can now sit back & relax to enjoy the nicely spiced cans of worms.

Roforofo fight

2006-09-19T12:44:00.000+01:00

Yeah I'm back from the dead.
I've been enjoying every bit of the roforofo fight between our President & his deputy. I never knew mudslinging is this wow. It's simply hilarious. We the people of this great nation have been given the priviledge to learn about all the things that were done in secret.
A new dub has been formed; if you OBJ me I Atiku you!
Some say they are bringing disgrace to the positions they are holding and to the nation. I say do you because of some position let someone who did such dirty things be left alone just like that? You are appointed to such lofty position, you should be ready to account for anything you do while in that position.

Make we left matter, I was surprised to find out in the papers one day that that famous & hugely respected journalist is a member of KGB. I wondered what gave Reuben (you're free to guess, I no tok am) the impetus to boldly express disagreements with top officials of the Nigerian government on the pages of newspapers without thinking about the consequences. Now I realise that that adage that says 'There's someone behind the oracle that gives the Oracle it's sound. I didn't jist you sha oh!

Now to Anita Hogan - the actress that posed nude for whoever the man is (either husband or rich white guy). Some say she should be left alone, some say she's a disgrace to womanhood. I simply say the dirts of every man doesn't trail them anymore, it just boards a bus & overtake them on the way. What do you think of the matter?

And there's a boost to the fight against malaria - DDT has been approved for use by WHO. Now I know that Bill Gates has been anointed to succeed in whatever he does. Focusing on something different from Microsoft must definitely bring results.
Now these useless insects should become extinct by 2015 if our government quickly puts measures in place to implement the use.

Workstralia

2006-09-04T07:58:00.000+01:00

Oh no! You guys can't believe it.
I've been posted to a newly created unit where there's no access to the internet. There isn't even a computer yet!!
It feels like hell. I seriously need a pillow.
I think my sins have finally caught up with me.

Not to worry, things will get better.

Talking out of your arse

2006-08-16T21:37:00.000+01:00

I sure have seen many people attain political positions without serious academic feats to tally with those highly important posts. The presidency is open to anyone who has a minimum academic credential of primary school certificate. That is why Obasanjo in his early days could open his mouth and say that his fuel doesn't sell for a certain low price, as long as people can buy a bottle of beer for a hundred naira and above, he didn't see any reason why people shouldn't buy a litre of petrol at that price. But Nigerians have seen a more refined Obasanjo. He doesn't dose at venues when he goes on tours anymore.
He wouldn't drink his tea in one gulp anymore when he goes to visit the Queen. He doesn't slap anyone sitting next to him in the arm on occasions when something funny comes up after being corrected by Ali Baba. He doesn't prolong his 3 minutes statement by clearing his throat for 2 mins again. He doesn't poke at his nose with his bare hands when at a UN meeting again. And evidently, his profuse belly has reduced to a size more carriable. Surely Baba has been repackaged.

+ repackaging =

Alaiyemeseigha can blurt out that he sees no reason why his son should be arrested for carrying 50,000 pounds considering his son's status.
Their words can simply be forgiven simply because of one fact - they are politicians/soldiers. They weren't taught to think very deep.
One thing I do not know is if you can become a seasoned journalist without spending many years learning, especially if you report for CNN.

I must admit that Lou Dobbs must have been talking out of his arse for calling America's help to developing nations as 'borrowing to send to lesser souls who are uncomfortably situated in poorer nations that can only aspire to their superpower status'.

No be ya fault, na condition make crayfish bend.

Imagine what weed can do

2006-08-15T03:21:00.000+01:00

From

to

Seriously, say NO to drugs.

Plenty nonsense

2006-08-10T07:24:00.000+01:00

There are many things going on here. The disappointment there is that 98.5% of them aren't good news.
One was the jist that Funsho Williams, the man who has since wanted to become the governor of Lagos state, was murdered. Then it was confirmed officially that he was slain in his house. The shocker was when I heard his full name : ANTHONY! Olufunsho Williams. I was unhappy with that.
Not that I didn't care at all about someone being killed, I was already expecting that politicians, who by nature don't have the mental capacity to think very far, would start killing themselves like Sicilian mafia. I only knew Funsho Williams to be a very gentle man from far away. I didn't really know what his inner man seemed to be, not nowadays that the most quiet ones (like our VP) are the most gluttonous. But I must admit, he was a gentleman from what most most people saw.
So then I decided to honour him by keeping quiet until he's buried. And he'll be today.
But what baffles me is how those policemen who called their British counterpart to help them by scooping fingerprints at the murder scene will fish out the perpetrators. You gotta have a databank of fingerprints of all Nigerians, if that's too much - Lagosians then, for you to be able to match those scooped. Abi white man don become winch wey dey get people without matching with database? Well, don't let us dishonour funsho's demise.
Adieu Funsho.
Over & out.

Then comes the story of the Bin Laden turned pastor who roasted his church members by fire after charging them with adultery. When God of Elijah refused to send down fire, he organised man-made one to destroy the erring church members.

This pastor caught my attention sometimes ago when I saw the enormous beards he parades and the lavish title ascribed to him: Most Honourable Reverend Doctor Chukwuemeka King. Do you need so many titles to perform your duties? Even the Secretary General of UN doesn't have that! Abi it was God's leading to amass those large beards? Orisirisi dey happen for Lagos oh. If you are a man and are blessed with being hairy, just try join some attachment to it and learn how to shake your body very well & people will visit you, no matter how crude your church setting looks. Just do mysterious things and people will come. You don't even need Juju nowadays, just know how to assess people and psyche them, your church will be filled up in a month. And if you want youths to visit your church, get some texts on motivation and start preaching on better days to come & you'll see ardent youths jump in the congregation shouting 'ride on Pastor'.
This bros no just mercy for those people oh, him roast dem so tey one of dem don die after intensive care.
Plenty nonsense dey happen for hia oh.

Na wah oh

2006-07-27T18:27:00.000+01:00

Na wa oh. I heard something very serious.
Got no time. Will gist u guys 2moro.
C ya!

Good riddance to bad rubbish

2006-07-19T08:02:00.000+01:00

And there's good news for Nigerian football. The man who didn't know what to say when he was found wanting in his duty when Nigeria didn't qualify for the world cup has just been removed.
Alhaji Ibrahim Galadima had nothing in his head to spew out than to say that the world cup isn't Nigeria's birthright. What a complacent statement! It shouldn't even have come out from the mouth of the NFA chairman. These words totally discredits his job. The top job is also not his birthright.
Thank God he's been booted out now. I'm waiting for Materazzi's spank-in-the-arse by FIFA. Then I'll know that justice always prevails.
Good riddance to bad rubbish.

A legend never dies

2006-07-10T08:22:00.000+01:00

Contrary to how negative his actions might be interperted, I do not feel any wrong with what Skipper Zinedine Zidane did. For a man of his nature, Materazzi must have said dome very nasty, unhearable things to Zizzou. You know some Italians have a reputation for spewing out garbage from their mouth. A typical example is Silvio Berlusconi.
They are loose orally.
I only blame Zizzou for putting his bald head close to Materazzi's heart. HE SHOULD HAVE FOCUSED ON HIS HEAD, BUTT THE GUY IN THE NOSE SO HE WON'T FORGET FOREVER!
Whatever happened, Zizzou has not fallen short of being a legend. And he remains one

On a lighter mode

The Way To My Place

Goodluck Nigeria

Twin brothers with different surnames - Only in Naija

Our God, our help in ages past

Encapsulated

FBI Recruitment

Mumu Of The Highest Order

Imagine a real, true-life mumu in jail?

Escapee caught creeping into jail

Financial Meltdown In The Family

Political Phantasmagoria

FOOLS' PARADISE

It's My Birthday

Dora In The Hood

To Protect And To Serve

If America Was Nigeria

Scoundrels In Uniform

Defecating In A Holy Place

Dipped

Not In The Place I'm From - 9ja For Life

The Chef Who Had Ulcer

The Baby And The Bathwater

Isn't He Lovely?

The Church On Feminism

Strange Findings

Issues

What's worrying Wayne?

Ah! Lehmann

Super June

Is it true that Alafin Molete Has Kaput?

Collage of Short Stories

Tales by Firelight

Land of beauty

It's in the blood

Changing times

You lied to me.

VACANCY!

Honourable combatants

Mourinho gone!!

Calling a truce?

Udoji in Tokyo

Just like many people have been praying for, the heaven's opened in Tokyo and what came down was nothing similar to liquid. For the first time in my life I wish I was Japanese.

To douse the tension

I rest my case

My friend Udeme is a great man

Police charge painting smoocher

The hand that feeds the mouth

Baba at the steering

Show me the money!!!

More questions

The more you look the less you see

Why the short and ugly are married

Photo speak

Only heaven knows who's coming

E be like say.....

It's in the blood

Rejuvenation

African reps

Life goes on

Kindergaten rule

Give me one reason

King of sorrow

Life saving

Greatest technology

More on census

Chicken no dey cry for night

Questions

Deception

It's my birthday

Merry xmas

MIxed feelings

Some things need a woman's touch

Reminiscence

No condition is permanent

Presidential meal

House of humour II

House of humour

A plus for anti-corruption

Ere gele - Dangerous games