TO: ALL DEPENDANTS AND RELATIVES
SUBJECT: FINANCIAL MELTDOWN
Unavoidably, all domestic rules and regulations have been revised as below and, under no circumstance is any violation allowed.
1. The Kitchen and all pantries are declared Restricted Zones. Entry and/or passage shall require express permission from myself upon submission of written request.
2. Breakfast is banned. This matter is not for discussion.
3. Such food items as rice, chicken, butter, jam, eggs, bread and milk are Restricted. Anyone intending to eat any of such food, must write to Me in triplicate, with three days notice, giving convincing nutritional reasons backed by a qualified dietician.
4. Watering with hoses is banned. Further, only food-giving plants shall be watered. No lawns or flowers shall receive water. For internal decoration, only plastic and dry-flower arrangements shall be permitted.
5. Bathing in the morning is limited to 5 litres of water per day per person while bathing in the evening is banned unless there are medical reasons.
6. Security lights are being removed with immediate effect. All dependants shall abide by an all-night guard-duty roster I shall make available shortly.
7. No dependant shall entertain friends indoors, far less attempt to offer food, drinks or even music. Those who want their guests to listen to music shall sing for them.
8. No one is allowed to talk to officials from police, Council or Court Bailiffs; doing so shall carry an instantaneous penalty of ejection from The House.
9. Anybody who breaks a glass, furniture or any other property in The House, shall immediately have to seek temporary employment somewhere to earn money to replace such broken item(s).
10. All visitors intending to spend a night/week or more shall apply in triplicate and give two months notice, with an endorsement from their town Mayor, Village Headman or Church Priest, giving convincing reasons why they can't stay home. Failure to do this shall result in their being turned away upon arrival.
THESE RULES ARE BINDING AND NOT SUBJECT TO ANY DISCUSSION WHATSOEVER.