The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of The men to a large metal door and handed Him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could Never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man For this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was Quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't Have what it takes.
Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the Same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one After another.
They heard screaming, crashing, Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was Quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.
'I had to Beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Mumu Of The Highest Order
Imagine a real, true-life mumu in jail?
Escapee caught creeping into jail
Jail guards in the US state of Georgia searching for an escaped inmate did not have to look very far - the fugitive was caught sneaking back into prison.
Guards spotted Harry Jackson, 25, trying to creep back in with 14 packs of cigarettes allegedly stolen from a nearby store.
The alarm had been raised earlier after a jail door was found unlocked.
He had opened a door to the exercise yard and climbed an outer fence to get away, Sheriff Tommy Gregory said.
Jackson now faces new charges of breaking out of prison and burglary, reported AP news agency.
He was in jail in Woodbine, Camden County, on charges including possession of a controlled substance and violating probationWednesday, February 25, 2009
Financial Meltdown In The Family
FROM: FATHER
TO: ALL DEPENDANTS AND RELATIVES
SUBJECT: FINANCIAL MELTDOWN
Unavoidably, all domestic rules and regulations have been revised as below and, under no circumstance is any violation allowed.
1. The Kitchen and all pantries are declared Restricted Zones. Entry and/or passage shall require express permission from myself upon submission of written request.
2. Breakfast is banned. This matter is not for discussion.
3. Such food items as rice, chicken, butter, jam, eggs, bread and milk are Restricted. Anyone intending to eat any of such food, must write to Me in triplicate, with three days notice, giving convincing nutritional reasons backed by a qualified dietician.
4. Watering with hoses is banned. Further, only food-giving plants shall be watered. No lawns or flowers shall receive water. For internal decoration, only plastic and dry-flower arrangements shall be permitted.
5. Bathing in the morning is limited to 5 litres of water per day per person while bathing in the evening is banned unless there are medical reasons.
6. Security lights are being removed with immediate effect. All dependants shall abide by an all-night guard-duty roster I shall make available shortly.
7. No dependant shall entertain friends indoors, far less attempt to offer food, drinks or even music. Those who want their guests to listen to music shall sing for them.
8. No one is allowed to talk to officials from police, Council or Court Bailiffs; doing so shall carry an instantaneous penalty of ejection from The House.
9. Anybody who breaks a glass, furniture or any other property in The House, shall immediately have to seek temporary employment somewhere to earn money to replace such broken item(s).
10. All visitors intending to spend a night/week or more shall apply in triplicate and give two months notice, with an endorsement from their town Mayor, Village Headman or Church Priest, giving convincing reasons why they can't stay home. Failure to do this shall result in their being turned away upon arrival.
THESE RULES ARE BINDING AND NOT SUBJECT TO ANY DISCUSSION WHATSOEVER.
TO: ALL DEPENDANTS AND RELATIVES
SUBJECT: FINANCIAL MELTDOWN
Unavoidably, all domestic rules and regulations have been revised as below and, under no circumstance is any violation allowed.
1. The Kitchen and all pantries are declared Restricted Zones. Entry and/or passage shall require express permission from myself upon submission of written request.
2. Breakfast is banned. This matter is not for discussion.
3. Such food items as rice, chicken, butter, jam, eggs, bread and milk are Restricted. Anyone intending to eat any of such food, must write to Me in triplicate, with three days notice, giving convincing nutritional reasons backed by a qualified dietician.
4. Watering with hoses is banned. Further, only food-giving plants shall be watered. No lawns or flowers shall receive water. For internal decoration, only plastic and dry-flower arrangements shall be permitted.
5. Bathing in the morning is limited to 5 litres of water per day per person while bathing in the evening is banned unless there are medical reasons.
6. Security lights are being removed with immediate effect. All dependants shall abide by an all-night guard-duty roster I shall make available shortly.
7. No dependant shall entertain friends indoors, far less attempt to offer food, drinks or even music. Those who want their guests to listen to music shall sing for them.
8. No one is allowed to talk to officials from police, Council or Court Bailiffs; doing so shall carry an instantaneous penalty of ejection from The House.
9. Anybody who breaks a glass, furniture or any other property in The House, shall immediately have to seek temporary employment somewhere to earn money to replace such broken item(s).
10. All visitors intending to spend a night/week or more shall apply in triplicate and give two months notice, with an endorsement from their town Mayor, Village Headman or Church Priest, giving convincing reasons why they can't stay home. Failure to do this shall result in their being turned away upon arrival.
THESE RULES ARE BINDING AND NOT SUBJECT TO ANY DISCUSSION WHATSOEVER.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Political Phantasmagoria
The recent news that the Nigerian President has announced pay cut for all politically-appointed office holders is highly commendable.
Now to face the facts, everyone in the nation (even little kids in creche) know that salaries to these people don't add up to 10% of their earnings/emoluments/egunjes/erans/greases. So who dey lie dash who?
Even with the pay cut, being a Minister in Nigeria automatically makes one an instant billionaire. The structure in place enables this at the expense of the nation and development of critical infrastructure. Except that is addressed, cutting pays will only amount to trying to catch up with Haile Gebrselassie while running on a threadmill.
The fig. below says it all.
An educative write-up on it can be found here.
Now to face the facts, everyone in the nation (even little kids in creche) know that salaries to these people don't add up to 10% of their earnings/emoluments/egunjes/erans/greases. So who dey lie dash who?
Even with the pay cut, being a Minister in Nigeria automatically makes one an instant billionaire. The structure in place enables this at the expense of the nation and development of critical infrastructure. Except that is addressed, cutting pays will only amount to trying to catch up with Haile Gebrselassie while running on a threadmill.
The fig. below says it all.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
FOOLS' PARADISE
FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY
In Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.
The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel
declaring, “Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant." The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.
You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!
This is too good not to forward.
In Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.
The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel
declaring, “Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant." The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.
You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!
This is too good not to forward.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
It's My Birthday
Yaaaaaaaay!!!!
I just got double for my trouble.
I guess it won't do any harm to put aside pertinent issues like Lassana Conte, Ribadu's removal and Uncle Bob De La Zim and celebrate.
I feel good!
I just got double for my trouble.
I guess it won't do any harm to put aside pertinent issues like Lassana Conte, Ribadu's removal and Uncle Bob De La Zim and celebrate.
I feel good!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Dora In The Hood
Pro 4:18 But the path of the just is as the shining light, that shineth more and more unto the perfect day.
The recent appointment of Prof. Dora Nkem Akunyili as a minister has shown that a golden egg has no hiding place.
Her speech after the swearing-in pontificates her ability to perform. She was not just discouraged about the fact that she was assigned to Information and Communication. She made it clear that nothing can be done without God. She mentioned God five times in the speech.
It really doesn't matter where a performer is placed, they make the best out of all situation.
Now I know that Mr, Yardy's whereabouts won't be a problem anymore.
The recent appointment of Prof. Dora Nkem Akunyili as a minister has shown that a golden egg has no hiding place.
Her speech after the swearing-in pontificates her ability to perform. She was not just discouraged about the fact that she was assigned to Information and Communication. She made it clear that nothing can be done without God. She mentioned God five times in the speech.
It really doesn't matter where a performer is placed, they make the best out of all situation.
Now I know that Mr, Yardy's whereabouts won't be a problem anymore.
Friday, December 12, 2008
To Protect And To Serve
In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in Nigeria, The president narrowed the field to three finalists: the SSS, the Army, and the Nigerian Police force. The three contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.
The SSS went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plants and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist.
The Army went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it.
The Nigerian police went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten hyena . The hyena was yelling, " Okay, Okay, I agree, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"
The SSS went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plants and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist.
The Army went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it.
The Nigerian police went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten hyena . The hyena was yelling, " Okay, Okay, I agree, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"
Friday, November 14, 2008
If America Was Nigeria
If USA was Nigeria, the papers' Headlines after the election would read something's like:
- Don't celebrate yet, McCain tells Obama (TELL magazine)
- Concede defeat, Obama urges McCain (Punch Newspaper)
- 20 opposition cadres riot (The Sun Newspaper)
- McCain Demands Vote Recount (Vanguard Newspaper)
- Elections rigged - Palin (Guardian Newspaper)
- No evidence of manipulation (NTA News)
- The Church declares elections free and fair (News Line)
- There will be violence if we lose; McCain declares (LTV 8 news)
- Election results for Arizona,Florida,New York awaited (Channels News)
- Trucks with suspected ballot papers crosses into USA from Mexico (Tribune Newspaper)
- "McCain is an opportunist - Go back to your farm" says Biden(AIT News)
- I will not accept results, McCain tells Obama (MITV News)
- Democratic Party will rule the USA for the next 100 years - Clinton Declares (ThisDay Newspaper
- Area Boys 20 killed, 30 injured at New Jersey Polling Booth )(Daily Mirror)
- Obama: 'I will soon roll out timetable for Royal Blessings'(PM News)
- Several Ballot Boxes Missing at Phoenix, handwork of 'Obama Boys' - Republican Party(Ogtv News)
- Heavy Security at INEC H/quarter, Commissioners flee. (Newswatch Magazine)
- $900million for Feeding and Wardrobe Allowances for Obama's Daughters Justified (Presidential Spokeperson)
- IJA SESE BERE NI – McCAIN SO FUN OBAMA (ALAROYE MAGAZINE)
- MIO NI GBA O!! - McCAIN (Akede Agbaye)
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Scoundrels In Uniform
It will be irresponsible to overlook a happening as the walloping of Miss Uzoma Okere by aides of Rear Admiral Harry Arogundade.
This brings to the fore the nature of military officers our great nation is producing. It is true that Nigeria has spent a long time under military rule, but isn't 9yrs long enough to decouple wanton disregard for the rights of the citizens they are meant to be protecting from the minds of our military men?
Is military insensitivity a function of greed and corruption that we all say is the major blood-sucking demon affecting our nation?
Is it that our military men have been shielded from the real world of democracy and rule of law in the past 9yrs of democracy? Do our military men vote at all? Do they have tax directly deducted from their incomes? Do they feel the pinch of underdevelopment and bad roads which lead to decaying traffic situation?
Of all the heat that has been generated by the instance, one thing that is pertinent to note is that there are different worlds lived Nigeria. The world that a military man lives in is totally different from that which a 'bloody civilian' lives. Though it is right to honour our military, I think the handshake has moved beyond the elbow. You need to see these people when they are driving on the road. They do not only beat up Danfo drivers (which I consider quite cool 'cos of the wiring of their brains), they mete out punishment on innocent citizens that cross their path or do not give them space. I witnessed one event that the staff bus driver of a company was dragged out, beaten and almost bundled into their car because he swerved from where he parked and ALMOST hit an uncoming military car. The old man couldn't have been less than 62 years.
In every developed country, the level is plain. They live in the same world. The affluent live in the same country as the middle class and the military. The citizens whose taxes are used to run the military are appreciated more because they all feel the pinch when there are issues.
I wish to reiterate that worlds exist in our great nation. These worlds are not only sound-proof, they are totally segregated and alienated.
Without these worlds being unified, those who do not feel any pinch would continue to rule other worlds with no iota of care & respect.
Kudos
A few people should be given kudos for pitching their tents at the right places without taking sides:
- Air Marshal Paul Dike for using his aide, Col. Chris Jemitola to arrange a beautifully written three-paragraph statement. The words in it are unarguably very hard for military men to compose. I wish to ask Air Mashal Dike to please encourage his people to be given the same training he had that brought about such insightful writing.
- Real Women Foundation & Mrs. Nike Adeyemi for standing in support and canvassing for justice for Uzoma.
- Uzoma (the victim) for not listening to her father and not letting the matter pass.
- President Yardy for saying something about it.
The President's Men
I've always said that you cannot give what you don't have. Remember Yardy & Channels? The oil that flows from Aaron's head flows to the beard and to other parts.
Like father like son o jare.
This brings to the fore the nature of military officers our great nation is producing. It is true that Nigeria has spent a long time under military rule, but isn't 9yrs long enough to decouple wanton disregard for the rights of the citizens they are meant to be protecting from the minds of our military men?
Is military insensitivity a function of greed and corruption that we all say is the major blood-sucking demon affecting our nation?
Is it that our military men have been shielded from the real world of democracy and rule of law in the past 9yrs of democracy? Do our military men vote at all? Do they have tax directly deducted from their incomes? Do they feel the pinch of underdevelopment and bad roads which lead to decaying traffic situation?
Of all the heat that has been generated by the instance, one thing that is pertinent to note is that there are different worlds lived Nigeria. The world that a military man lives in is totally different from that which a 'bloody civilian' lives. Though it is right to honour our military, I think the handshake has moved beyond the elbow. You need to see these people when they are driving on the road. They do not only beat up Danfo drivers (which I consider quite cool 'cos of the wiring of their brains), they mete out punishment on innocent citizens that cross their path or do not give them space. I witnessed one event that the staff bus driver of a company was dragged out, beaten and almost bundled into their car because he swerved from where he parked and ALMOST hit an uncoming military car. The old man couldn't have been less than 62 years.
In every developed country, the level is plain. They live in the same world. The affluent live in the same country as the middle class and the military. The citizens whose taxes are used to run the military are appreciated more because they all feel the pinch when there are issues.
I wish to reiterate that worlds exist in our great nation. These worlds are not only sound-proof, they are totally segregated and alienated.
Without these worlds being unified, those who do not feel any pinch would continue to rule other worlds with no iota of care & respect.
Kudos
A few people should be given kudos for pitching their tents at the right places without taking sides:
- Air Marshal Paul Dike for using his aide, Col. Chris Jemitola to arrange a beautifully written three-paragraph statement. The words in it are unarguably very hard for military men to compose. I wish to ask Air Mashal Dike to please encourage his people to be given the same training he had that brought about such insightful writing.
- Real Women Foundation & Mrs. Nike Adeyemi for standing in support and canvassing for justice for Uzoma.
- Uzoma (the victim) for not listening to her father and not letting the matter pass.
- President Yardy for saying something about it.
The President's Men
I've always said that you cannot give what you don't have. Remember Yardy & Channels? The oil that flows from Aaron's head flows to the beard and to other parts.
Like father like son o jare.
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