FOOLS' PARADISE

FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY

In Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.

The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel
declaring, “Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant." The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."



The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!
This is too good not to forward.

It's My Birthday

Yaaaaaaaay!!!!
I just got double for my trouble.
I guess it won't do any harm to put aside pertinent issues like Lassana Conte, Ribadu's removal and Uncle Bob De La Zim and celebrate.
I feel good!

Dora In The Hood

Pro 4:18 But the path of the just is as the shining light, that shineth more and more unto the perfect day.

The recent appointment of Prof. Dora Nkem Akunyili as a minister has shown that a golden egg has no hiding place.
Her speech after the swearing-in pontificates her ability to perform. She was not just discouraged about the fact that she was assigned to Information and Communication. She made it clear that nothing can be done without God. She mentioned God five times in the speech.
It really doesn't matter where a performer is placed, they make the best out of all situation.

Now I know that Mr, Yardy's whereabouts won't be a problem anymore.

To Protect And To Serve

In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in Nigeria, The president narrowed the field to three finalists: the SSS, the Army, and the Nigerian Police force. The three contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.

The SSS went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plants and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist.

The Army went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the forest killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They made no apologies. The rabbit deserved it.


The Nigerian police went into the forest. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten hyena . The hyena was yelling, " Okay, Okay, I agree, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"

If America Was Nigeria

If USA was Nigeria, the papers' Headlines after the election would read something's like:

• Don't celebrate yet, McCain tells Obama (TELL magazine)
• Concede defeat, Obama urges McCain (Punch Newspaper)
• 20 opposition cadres riot (The Sun Newspaper)
• McCain Demands Vote Recount (Vanguard Newspaper)
• Elections rigged - Palin (Guardian Newspaper)
• No evidence of manipulation (NTA News)
• The Church declares elections free and fair (News Line)
• There will be violence if we lose; McCain declares (LTV 8 news)
• Election results for Arizona,Florida,New York awaited (Channels News)
• Trucks with suspected ballot papers crosses into USA from Mexico (Tribune Newspaper)
• "McCain is an opportunist - Go back to your farm" says Biden(AIT News)
• I will not accept results, McCain tells Obama (MITV News)
• Democratic Party will rule the USA for the next 100 years - Clinton Declares (ThisDay Newspaper
• Area Boys 20 killed, 30 injured at New Jersey Polling Booth )(Daily Mirror)
• Obama: 'I will soon roll out timetable for Royal Blessings'(PM News)
• Several Ballot Boxes Missing at Phoenix, handwork of 'Obama Boys' - Republican Party(Ogtv News)
• Heavy Security at INEC H/quarter, Commissioners flee. (Newswatch Magazine)
• $900million for Feeding and Wardrobe Allowances for Obama's Daughters Justified (Presidential Spokeperson)
• IJA SESE BERE NI – McCAIN SO FUN OBAMA (ALAROYE MAGAZINE)
• MIO NI GBA O!! - McCAIN (Akede Agbaye)

Scoundrels In Uniform

It will be irresponsible to overlook a happening as the walloping of Miss Uzoma Okere by aides of Rear Admiral Harry Arogundade.
This brings to the fore the nature of military officers our great nation is producing. It is true that Nigeria has spent a long time under military rule, but isn't 9yrs long enough to decouple wanton disregard for the rights of the citizens they are meant to be protecting from the minds of our military men?
Is military insensitivity a function of greed and corruption that we all say is the major blood-sucking demon affecting our nation?
Is it that our military men have been shielded from the real world of democracy and rule of law in the past 9yrs of democracy? Do our military men vote at all? Do they have tax directly deducted from their incomes? Do they feel the pinch of underdevelopment and bad roads which lead to decaying traffic situation?
Of all the heat that has been generated by the instance, one thing that is pertinent to note is that there are different worlds lived Nigeria. The world that a military man lives in is totally different from that which a 'bloody civilian' lives. Though it is right to honour our military, I think the handshake has moved beyond the elbow. You need to see these people when they are driving on the road. They do not only beat up Danfo drivers (which I consider quite cool 'cos of the wiring of their brains), they mete out punishment on innocent citizens that cross their path or do not give them space. I witnessed one event that the staff bus driver of a company was dragged out, beaten and almost bundled into their car because he swerved from where he parked and ALMOST hit an uncoming military car. The old man couldn't have been less than 62 years.
In every developed country, the level is plain. They live in the same world. The affluent live in the same country as the middle class and the military. The citizens whose taxes are used to run the military are appreciated more because they all feel the pinch when there are issues.
I wish to reiterate that worlds exist in our great nation. These worlds are not only sound-proof, they are totally segregated and alienated.
Without these worlds being unified, those who do not feel any pinch would continue to rule other worlds with no iota of care & respect.

Kudos
A few people should be given kudos for pitching their tents at the right places without taking sides:
- Air Marshal Paul Dike for using his aide, Col. Chris Jemitola to arrange a beautifully written three-paragraph statement. The words in it are unarguably very hard for military men to compose. I wish to ask Air Mashal Dike to please encourage his people to be given the same training he had that brought about such insightful writing.
- Real Women Foundation & Mrs. Nike Adeyemi for standing in support and canvassing for justice for Uzoma.
- Uzoma (the victim) for not listening to her father and not letting the matter pass.
- President Yardy for saying something about it.

The President's Men

I've always said that you cannot give what you don't have. Remember Yardy & Channels? The oil that flows from Aaron's head flows to the beard and to other parts.
Like father like son o jare.

Defecating In A Holy Place

Have you ever seen anyone fart from the mouth? Well guess what, someone just did. It's even baffling that a Professor of Pharmacognosy (study of medicines derived from natural sources) from nobody-knows-where achieved such a shitty feat.
How can you say that the US should come & learn how to conduct elections from Nigeria? I've always said it that he is an invalid for that job, especially for 2011.



For a man who once claimed that he had found cure for Ebola virus, nothing less can be expected.
Uncle Morris, you shit for church take bible clean yansh!


See here.

Dipped

This is what happens when you dip your hands in shit. I pity the guy.

A passenger on a French train had to be rescued by firemen after having his arm sucked down the on-board toilet.

The 26-year-old victim was trapped when he tried to fish out his mobile phone, which had fallen into the toilet bowl, and fell foul of the suction system.

The high-speed TGV train had to stop for two hours while firemen cut through the train's pipework.

The man was carried away by emergency services, with the toilet still attached to his arm.

"He came out on a stretcher, with his hand still jammed in the toilet bowl, which they had to saw clean off," said Benoit Gigou, a witness to the man's plight.

The incident happened on Sunday evening, aboard a train travelling in western France between La Rochelle and Paris

Not In The Place I'm From - 9ja For Life

Skimming through my RSS reader this morning (God bless Omea for me), I came across something that sounds rather strange.
A stockbroker in India's financial capital, Mumbai, killed himself after strangling his pregnant wife because of the economic slowdown, police say. [See here]
Not even Tsunami can cause Nigerians to die unwillingly. Nigerians never have the will to die. The Nigerian brand has a lot to do with resilience and perseverance.
We all know that if the highly respected Thabo Mbeki was a Nigerian, he wouldn't have given up power at all (cue from OBJ's first tenure). Have you ever imagined where he would be if Nelson Mandela is a Nigerian. Him go just kak for throne there.
There's a belief that Bob Mugabe's parents are from Warri. He's really showing the traits because 'Warri boy no dey carry last, lailai!!'.

I'm also 100% certain that the Chinese milk that was reported tainted, which killed babies and made 94,000 of them sick must have gotten into 9ja. But all 9ja children have been genetically doped with an immune DNA substance called ODIESHI-RIBONUCLEIC ACID (ONA). Abi did anyone hear any news that a Nigerian child was stooling as a result of the milk drank? See Fig below.




Respect to the Nigerian people. Stronger than diamond. Pako to the core. Even the ajebo Nigerian abroad is stronger than the ajepako of the west.

The Chef Who Had Ulcer

"Bonny Island plant, the third world’s largest, supplies gas to mostly European customers including Gas Natural of Spain, BOTAS of Turkey, Gaz de France and TRANSGAS of Portugal, with the biggest being the Italian electric power giant ENEL, which agreed to buy 3.5 billion cubic metres (bcm) per year of LNG for over 22 years".......writes ThisDay newspaper.

All my life, I have never come across a thin chef. Oga Elias, while I was in Mayflower, had a belly bigger than that of a woman pregnant with triplets.

In a country that there is arguably no gas to power turbines to be used for power projects, it is really sad. How can a cattle herdsman after breeding from calf to cattle decide to sell all his animals while his family is hungry without meat to eat?
The summary of the story is that the Bonny Island project, that is supposed to provide gas, was designed and contracted to give ALL of its produce to gas companies in Europe for more than a decade while Nigeria languishes in darkness.
One of the issues to be raised here is that what were those who approved the project thinking? The project was conceived about 13 years ago, that should be around the time -Oh My God! - Abacha was there. Who was the minister for petroleum then? Inserts needed please.
Between then and the time OBJ was petroleum minister, some people stupidly gave out all our gas to European companies.
My question is not why people would do that, because it mos def was for kickbacks and Ghana-Must-Go (GMG). Since it is a constant (I can bet grandma's grave on it - bless her soul) that they would have gotten GMGs for the project, either giving the whole produce to the European companies or leaving some for Nigeria to use, why not choose the latter?
This really baffles and scares me because the act does not show only greed at work, there is a devilish characteristic displayed in the act. If you sell part you get GMG, if you sell all you get GMG. So why not sell part, get rich and let the nation move forward? Wouldn't that be a win-win scenario?
It is therefore evident that some people in this great nation of ours;
(1) Want to get rich by collecting GMGs
(2) Also want to make sure that Nigeria gets poorer as they do (1) above.

Such acts should be considered graver than the treason charges on Henry Okah. These are acts that should be taken with serious concern. Financial crime institutions should be biting at this with a great zeal. Some people don't just want to make their gains at the expense of Nigeria. The leeches wan't to suck the whole Nigerian blood with the aim of killing the unperturbed dog.
President Yardy correctly refused to grant approval for the production and shipment of Liquefied Natural Gas.

The true Patriot
Basil Omiyi, Shell's first Nigerian MD, was quoted "government should learn how to respect long term agreements, irrespective of the personality who signed them".
Reality check
Is Basil Efoise Omiyi a Nigerian? Yes.
Is He from Niger-Delta? Yes.
Does he live in Nigeria? Are his father, mother, children, brothers, sisters, cousins and friends Nigerians? Hell Yes!!

What his statement above means is that as the MD of SPDC he was aware of the project details and did not have any milk of Nigerian kindness flowing in him. He did not see anything wrong with the company he works for milking his nation dry as long as he earns his daily bread. Being a christian, his bible correctly has the book of Matthew in it, whose verse 11 of chapter 6 states that 'Give us this day our daily bread'. It is but strange, and should be concluded that verse 13 is missing from the chapter. What version of the bible does he read? King Shell Version (KSV)?
Na person papa be this ooo.

I want to believe that militants do not read papers. They do not have a direct understansing of who their enemies are. They are like the son who gave his mother poison to eat because he believes that she is the author of his bad luck.

The Baby And The Bathwater

In President Yardy's 7-point agenda, there are conditions precedent to note and work upon in order to consider his agenda a success. One of them is;

The Issue of Law: “We need to become a nation that respects law, order, established regulations and procedure”.

Stating categorically, Mr. Yardy told the whole nation, hence the whole world, that his administration will not tolerate disrespect for the rule of law. It therefore baffles me that the seemingly gentle, God-fearing and educated elite felt the pinch so much that Channels TV was shutdown for airing incorrect news.

In the case of the woman who was charged for having a child out of wedlock, he was quoted while he was governor of Katsina State to have said he 'had decided not to intervene in the case, preferring to let the judiciary decide her fate'. Everyone hailed him then that he has (had?) an exemplary attribute of a good future leader.

So why the change of character? Why the change in manner of approach? What message does Mr Yardy have to put across to people other than the fact that when he feels hurt, he can ditch the rule of law and face it like a typical Nigerian leader?

If the President doesn't know, the bible attributes the abilities/style of operation of Elisha to the inheritance from his predecessor, Elijah.

It seems as if when power was transferred from Aremu of Otta, other unnerving attributes might have 'join body'. More like seeing Pedro Jose Donoso in Salvador Cerinza .

Take my hand Umoru, I will transfer my spirit into you

We won't be stunned when we start seeing Aremu-styled manner of approach to other issues in governance.

President Umoru, The words of a man are his bond. Respect the rule of law. If the President doesn't know that, who on the surface of the Nigerian earth should? The militants in Niger-Delta?

Isn't He Lovely?

Since Roman Abramovich has decided to lose my fancy, isn't the new jacket on The Special One wonderful?

The Church On Feminism

On sunday, we had a seminar in church on feminism. Seminars, unlike teachings and preachings avail people the opportunity to air their opinions & show what is inside them and what exactly it is that they believe. And sunday wasn't bad at all. There were women passionate about the idea of women standing up for their rights (their definition of feminism) and people of diverse views.
From the seminar, I could deduce that feminism and racism and any other form of polarism share common basis,background,tolerance, faults, conceptions and therefore misconceptions.
Encarta dictionary doesn't make the idea of feminism sound right at all - "belief in the need to secure rights and opportunities for women equal to those of men, or a commitment to securing these" .
The whole idea of securing rights makes it sound as if it was taken at first. Because some ancient African cultures don't encourage woman being given vocational and educational training doesn't mean their rights are being taken from them. I find it a similitude to the issue of children of a rich man who refused to train them, and they thereafter give it up to fate. If people think that rights are being given to people, then we all need to wake up and have a paradigm shift. Maybe some don't listen to Fela, but I find some sense in some of his songs. "Animal wan dash us human right....Abegi o make you hear me well well....human right na my property...so therefore..you can't dash me my property"
It means that in cultures where only the first child is given the largest share (if not all) of inheritance, they should be clamouring against first-bornism? People above 6ft in height should carry placards against Coffin-Makers for making 'inapproriate' coffin? Some of us with 'above average' foot size should stage a rally against shoe makers for having little percentage of above size-45 shoes produced compared to others? Short people should canvass that basketball should be scrapped, especially from the Olympics, since it favours tall people? Even Australians should complain to God-knows-who for having their island 'situated' so far away from the rest of the world?

Your right is your destiny. Opposition to fulfilling your destiny shouldn't be seen as feminist acts but stumbling blocks you need to manipulate to achieve the fulfilment of your destiny. People (especially women and those canvasing for feminism) need to first see women as humans before raising their points. A lady gave an example of an in stance that a lady got married to a stupid man. Although she didn't mean to insult the male folk, but she did a damn great job to show that women have imbued their subconscious to the erronous belief that the male clan is a super hero series. She made it sound as if men are infallible and it certainly showed that she had also been infected by the ideology of women being second fiddle or less than appropriate to men.
In my own opinion, it is the women that need to be liberated from the idea than the men. I tried to point out my opinion, but I'm not sure I am as explicit in oratory as I blog. Sang Bob Marley, "Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds".

Very soon, bald people will start forming ASSOCIATION OF APARI to fight oppression of people with full hair.
What's your take on this?

Strange Findings

Ever heard of a 70 yr old man running 100 metres in less than 12 secs? Or a 60 yr ols lady running 8 Km everyday? 8-x
I came across this 3yrs ago, but I just couldn't get it off my mind.
The story of African Hebrews is both strange and wonderful in one mix.
That's a must-visit during vacation.

Issues

I really don't have much to say about the Bakassi issue. I'll leave the investigation of how 1 Billion Naira will be spent on Bakassi L/G without being embezzled to investigative bloggers like Chxta, Imnakoya and Akin.

What I'm wondering is the name that the popular comedian, Okey Bakassi, will bear after Bakassi has been handed over to Cameroun. Okey Bonny abi Okey Ogoni?

Abi he will become a Camerounian after today? The guy kuku get body structure like them Patrick Mboma.
Though under construction, his website is cool. I haven't come across any other Nigerian comedian's website.

3rd Mainland Bridge Repair
I must confess that the repair on the bridge has brought bitter-sweet experiences. The bitter part happens in the morning.
The weird part is that the sweet part happens in the evening. Absolutely no traffic jam. Very strange 8-x.

What's worrying Wayne?

Striker Wayne Rooney is set to miss the opening match of Manchester United's Premier League campaign on 17 August after picking up a virus.

The 22-year-old contracted the mystery virus on United's pre-season tour of Nigeria and has not trained since.

"I doubt Wayne will be fit for the start of the season," said United boss Sir Alex Ferguson.

"It's a virus he picked up in Nigeria and it's not a nice one. He's not been back in training yet."

Ferguson revealed Rooney's illness was diagnosed by the club's own laboratory.

He also added that the squad had only taken malaria tablets ahead of the trip to Africa.

Rooney's illness leaves Ferguson facing a selection dilemma ahead of the opening match of the season at home to Newcastle...................

...............Rooney's problems could also reignite Ferguson's interest in signing Tottenham forward Dimitar Berbatov.

As it stands, Ferguson has only Carlos Tevez, untested youngster Fraizer Campbell and Louis Saha to choose from up front.

"I don't know whether we will have a team ready," said Ferguson. "Nani is suspended, Anderson is in the Olympic Games.

"(Michael) Carrick's come in this morning and he may play a part of the game on Sunday."

Rooney had sat on the sidelines when Manchester United played FA Cup winners Portsmouth in a friendly in Abuja on 27 July.

He then missed his club's two subsequent pre-season fixtures against Espanyol and Peterborough.

The virus means he could also miss England's friendly against the Czech Republic at Wembley on 20 August.


Someone should tell me what is wrong with Wayne? Na only him come Naija? What is he suggesting? That there are strange viruses flying around in the Nigerian air?
Wayne Rooney had better tell us the truth. He fit don go carry Domitilla. He come dey tok strange sickness. Make dem send am back to Naija make him go see babalawo, dat one fit give am otumokpo wey go heal am.
Ministry of Internal Affairs should better handle this issue.
Rooney, talk truth!

Ah! Lehmann

Haba Lehmann!!

Now I know why Arsenal did not renew your contract.

Even Laide will catch that ball!

Super June

And so it's Super June again. A time when the Almighty God reminds earthlings, specifically Nigerians, that He's in charge and not the terrors that seem to be everywhere. Lamidi Adedibu has finally gone to meet Sanni Abacha wherever he is. Taking note of their characteristic brutal and thug-like approach to issues, they should fall into the same botanical classification. They should both be in the same group.
And what a group will that be in after-life?!! A group where you find 'superstars'. Gongo A So for that group o. That's why you have to give your life to Jesus, so you won't be ruled again by Abacha and the Amala Politician.

African Diet
I've always thought that African diet, especially that of Nigerians, contains substances of amnestic capabilities. There's just something in our diet that makes us forget the past so quickly and carelessly, just like the people of Israel, especially when it matters most.
That is why a few generals can come 10yrs after Sanni Abacha's death and say he did not loot. Well, I don't blame General Mohammed. He's been too frustrated trying to become the president in recent times to think straight. So his mental faculty is somewhat unsettled. As for the Sean Connery-like bearded one, Salam has sure been taking pills meant for the turkeys in his farm. I would rather not waste time ranting on Ibro Makanaky.
I don't expect colleagues of someone from a psyche-ward to see him differently, cos
to the screwed, all things are screwed. So for the remaining 139,999,997 Nigerians, please substitute "did not loot the treasury" with "carted away the treasury", cos that's what they meant to say, only that they all are from the same psyche-ward.
Infact, what did we even expect them to say about Sanni Abacha after 10yrs of his death? Remember, it's not good to speak ill of the dead.

Self-Reliance
Lamidi Adedibu will be sorely missed by people, especially those that became his die-hard loyalist because he gave food and money to them. And that is where Nigerians are having serious problems.
I remember Tai Solarin used to tell us then that we have to learn to be self-reliant and not dependent on others for livelihood. An instance where we put our lives into the hands of people and expect them to give us what we need is like that of Nigerians who sell their birthrights and will rather go to Adedibu's Molete residence to collect money and eat amala for their survival, and will in turn do anything that Adedibu asks of them.

So Papa God, this one's down. Who's next? The transfer window is narrowing. Only 18 days left in June.

Is it true that Alafin Molete Has Kaput?

I suddenly received strength to blog when I heard a rumour that Adedibu, Alaafin of Molete, has kaput.
Don't say I told you oh.
I shall resume blogging full-time tomorrow.

Collage of Short Stories

The Hungry Restauranteur
I made a very strange discovery on Thursday while I was on leave. Absence from work availed me the opportunity of roaming Lagos and enjoying the hustle, bustle and, in some parts calm scenery.
When I got to Alausa, close to the governor's office, I couldn't believe what I saw. People always can figure out the excuse of firemen when there's a fire disaster. They always complain that they don't have water. Situated side-by-side to each other, Lagos State Fire Service & Lagos State Water Corporation are seperated by a fence.
This really got me puzzled, 'cos I don't understand how a fire service can claim that it doesn't have water when its next-door neighbour is the water corporation. Abracadabra?

The Fish in care of the Cat
There's news that the Federal Government of Nigeria will employ brigands to look after oil investments in the Niger-Delta. Minister Yayale Ahmed must have a good reason to suggest this, or else they don't really know the implication of doing this. What if the money paid those "freedom fighters" isn't enough for them later on? Then they'll start kidnapping and blowing places up right?
Nowhere in the world have I ever seen the fish placed in care of the cat.

Ijegun blast
When I heard that a pipeline exploded, I thought people had vandalised pipelines yet again. It irked my spirit more to hear that innocent souls had died due to negligence and lack of record keeping on the part of the government and companies given contracts. How on earth can you construct a road right where petrol pipeline is? Is there no record anywhere that there is a pipeline around that place? What is Lagos State Ministry of Environment and Physical Planning doing?
Once again, more than 100 lives were lost due to some people's negligence and inefficiency. Don't people know that their actions/inactions sometimes can cost innocent people their lives.

The President's Daughter
I stumbled on her profile on Wiki. I was surprised to see that she specialized on Epidemiology at the Doctorate level. This got me thinking. But epidemiology is the scientific and medical study of the causes and transmission of disease within a population. Then why did she embezzle money meant to halt transmission of disease? Abi she studied epidemiology to know how to increase the spread of the disease? I hope she doesn't spread it in Maitama Police cell.